when you feel something …

… that you believe is stu­pid to feel, because it´s for the weak, for the imma­ture or belongs to the „past you“..

Some­thing you may think you should be „over“ by now and not be trig­gered any­more..

Well then, sor­ry to say that, but you are way behind in life.

No of course not.

Well a lit­tle bit.

But guess what, as adults we are still bom­bard­ed with those needs, wants and desires that are ingrained in us.

Remem­ber when you were a kid? Want­i­ng some­thing right now and only now?

Or as Teenagers, think­ing we are right, always and with every­thing?

These feel­ings still show up, even if now in a dif­fer­ent set­ting and to a dif­fer­ent indi­vid­ual extent.

Part of grow­ing up, is becom­ing aware of our dai­ly automa­tisms and ways of react­ing that rule our life, if we let it. (So actu­al­ly grow­ing up is nev­er quite fin­ished, but yea…).

Becom­ing aware of your way of deal­ing with feel­ings, like when you feel frus­trat­ed because you have an ongo­ing pain in your body,
or feel­ing impa­tient because you need an answer or expla­na­tion for someone´s behav­iour, like now.
or feel­ing lone­ly, because you have no one to con­nect to,
or feel­ing anx­ious because you are sit­ting on a pile of debts..

Most peo­ple react in a way that tries to make these feel­ings go away, as quick­ly as pos­si­ble.
It´s like we are sit­ting on ice, wait­ing for the ice to melt, but all we get is a fuck­ing cold ass.

Until it´s numb.
Well now we keep sit­ting on the cold with­out feel­ing any­thing any­more.

This hap­pens more often than we think in sit­u­a­tions where we are feel­ing some­thing we don´t wan­na feel.
And we start to unpack one of our, over the years, well tried out strate­gies, that we prob­a­bly know haven´t worked in the past, but at least we know how they will turn out. (You know, cer­tain­ty first..).

We either aggres­sive­ly force the result we want (remem­ber that child you were…I WANT MY BANANA ICE CREAM NOW!!)

Or we pre­tend and tell our­selves, „heyyyyy..it´s all goood, I can deal with that. I´m a mature, smart, grown up per­son that knows how to deal with life chal­lenges thrown at my face over and over and over again.. Aaaal­ll goooood. Real­ly!

Real­ly?

See, these two strate­gies are either puk­ing it all out or swal­low­ing it down – over and over again (btw, the puke lands on you).

Some­times we even con­fuse these two. We say to our­selves, „ok, I´m going take the more com­pas­sion­ate road“. Maybe we have the urge to puk.. ah sor­ry I mean to defend our­selves, but then we decide to do things the „mature“ way and try to make the impres­sion (for us and oth­ers) that we have it all togeth­er.

Sor­ry but even a rac­coon mung­ing on the most deli­cious bug can smell your pas­siv-aggres­sive­ness.
Yes even the rac­coon that lives in the far far away for­est in which you are not.

Ok back to my point.

There is a fine line between real­ly sit­ting with a feel­ing and think­ing you are okey with a feel­ing.
The one is allow­ing it to be there, you actu­al­ly feel that shit­ty feel­ing. The oth­er is coat­ing it with a good feel­ing — so you (seem­ing­ly) feel bet­ter.

You either go for pain now and plea­sure lat­er, or good feel­ing now and pain lat­er.

This goes for a lot of deci­sions we make in life. Some have better/or worse con­se­quences than oth­ers.
Med­i­ta­tion for exam­ple can be a pain in the ass – our mind is just not made for still­ness. But we ben­e­fit from it more than we think. The biggest one? We get bet­ter in man­ag­ing our nev­er-end­ing waves of feel­ings in life aka we stop sit­ting on cold ice. (yes there is also warm ice, didn´t know?).

So that feel­ing you don´t wan­na feel…because it´s stu­pid and imma­ture and exhaust­ing and frus­trat­ing and all the things you don´t wan­na feel..
..yes maybe it is annoy­ing to feel this feel­ing and yes maybe it is stu­pid, because you should get the hang of it by now. But you don´t. We are humans. It takes some time to adapt, to change a behav­iour or a way of think­ing, espe­cial­ly when we are used to do things a cer­tain way for a long time.

Some peo­ple are used to get pissed all the time, or to react mad, or feel lone­ly, basi­cal­ly to feel pain. Do they want to feel that?

Noo!!

Well, do you call that stu­pid?

Yees!!

But as I said, we peo­ple pre­fer to do things that are known, cer­tain and famil­iar (thx brain), even if that means hav­ing a numb cold ass.

We have to start treat­ing our unwant­ed feel­ings like a kid that screams for atten­tion. „Oh hey there sad feel­ing, what´s going on? What do you want, what do you need?“ Sounds pret­ty weird…but that uncom­fort­able feel­ing is there for a rea­son. Prooob­a­bly some unmet need that requires your atten­tion.

So give it to him or her! No puk­ing, no swal­low­ing, just your atten­tion. Real­ly lis­ten­ing is often the best first step to actu­al­ly start think­ing dif­fer­ent­ly in order to start behav­ing in a dif­fer­ent way, which invites new expe­ri­ences in our life and in turn cre­ates new feel­ings that then change us to a com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent per­son than we were before.

Repetion, repetion, repetion until they become want­ed automa­tisms that rule our life — because now we con­scious­ly chosed so.

Seing it that way, this process can actu­al­ly be fun. With patience and per­se­ver­ance we can mold our­selves into who­ev­er we want to be.

And if all of that doesn´t work?

Well then, go puke. It can actu­al­ly be quite free­ing some­times.

but only some­times.

then go back to mold­ing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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