a leash, a couch and trust issues.

Imag­ine you have a dog. Your favourite breed of all. A beau­ti­ful, cute, play­ful dog who is well-behaved and lis­tens to you.
It´s spring time and the sun is final­ly com­ing out again. A beau­ti­ful warm day and you decide to go to this huge park your dog loves so much.
You get there, you tell your dog to sit, and you gen­tly take off his leash.
Your dog waits for your com­mand and as soon as you give him a „go“, he runs off into the wide green open space in front you.

Even as a non dog-own­er, I can imag­ine how see­ing your dog run­ning through a field must feel like.
Free, con­tent, and so joy­ful in this moment. Just by watch­ing your dog hav­ing the time of his life, like he´s run­ning for the first time, you feel the same.

How­ev­er, doing so requires a good amount of trust. You wouldn´t take off his leash if you doubt­ed he´ll come back to you again. With­out train­ing him before­hand you wouldn´t be able to let him expe­ri­ence this kind of free­dom and play­time with oth­er dogs. He might take off, won´t stop play­ing (or fight­ing) with oth­er dogs, or even bite a run­ner pass­ing by.

But.. you invest­ed this time in him and in you. To cre­ate a bond that is strong and safe for both of you to expe­ri­ence those bliss­ful moments.
He can have a so much bet­ter life­qual­i­ty – thanks to you.
Thanks to your will­ing­ness to dis­ci­pline your dog, you can let him go and not fear he might dis­ap­pear.

You can count on him and he can count on you. (awwww).

And you?

Can you count on you?

Or in oth­er words:

How well-trained is your dog?

And yes you do have one.

Not the one you just imag­ined.

But the one in your mind that likes to do all kind of stu­pid stuff.
Just like a dog, we have needs and urges we pref­ere­bly don´t wan­na fight against.
We are pulled to sit on the couch, when we know we should work out, we are pulled to eat piz­za, when we know a green plate will make us feel bet­ter and we are pulled to scroll over instra­gram for the hun­dreds time, when we know we should con­tin­ue to work on our project.
Basi­cal­ly we wan­na sleep, eat and have fun, just like dog.
It´s easy and com­fort­able and requires no effort.
But we also know that in the long-term it makes us feel mis­er­able, deplet­ed and depressed.

With a mis­be­haved dog you won´t be able to take off the leash and his muz­zle.
You sim­ply can­not con­trol his behav­iour with­out that restric­tion.
Just like peo­ple. Some need to keep all the choco­late cook­ies out of the house, because they can­not be trust­ed with them.

Our needs and wants can turn into crav­ings that do what­ev­er it takes to sat­is­fy them – so we basi­cal­ly run away from our­selves to go get that „thing“.

How can we pos­si­bly trust our­selves, if call­ing us back rarely works?

And to ask fur­ther…

If I can´t trust myself, how am I ever able to let myself go after any­thing? With­out a cer­tain lev­el of self-trust how am I ever able to DO any­thing?
I wouldn´t be able to get into my car, start the engine and dri­ve 120km/h shar­ing the same road with hun­dreds of oth­er dri­vers.
I wouldn´t even be able to cut my veg­eta­bles in small pieces to make a deli­cious din­ner for myself.

Think about it, you do all the things you do dai­ly because you bring a cer­tain lev­el of self-trust into the per­for­mance. I mean you trust your­self that you won´t cut your fin­gers while cut­ting those carrots..do you?

On the oth­er hand, you could ask your­self..

What am I NOT doing, because I don´t trust myself?
What am I miss­ing out in life because of my lack of self-trust?
Maybe you don´t start that busi­ness or project because you don´t trust in your own capa­bil­i­ties.
Maybe you don´t ask your boss for a raise, because you can´t trust your lev­el of con­fi­dence to stand up for your­self.
Maybe you don´t enter that rela­tion­ship because you can´t even com­mit to your­self.
Maybe you don´t join that hip hop class, because you don´t trust in your abil­i­ty to con­nect with oth­ers. (It´s most­ly not about the activ­i­ty itself, but rather the social aspect – „will I be accept­ed by the tribe?“).

It is safe to say that in order to expe­ri­ence all of that, we need to build a cer­tain lev­el of trust with­in our­selves.
Often­times, by just doing it and fig­ur­ing it out on the way we learn to trust our­selves more and more.

BUT, as dogs, we learn and build trust through rep­e­ti­tion.
And repi­ti­tion requires a cer­tain lev­el of com­mit­ment and dis­ci­pline.

We need to cre­ate rou­tines and habits so that the new behav­iour becomes sec­ond nature.
We basi­cal­ly need to train our mind to lis­ten to us, to fol­low our com­mand.
Just as we would train our dog to do so.

Who doesn´t have that voice that con­stant­ly tells you to eat health­i­er, to work out, to work on that project, to have this dif­fi­cult con­ver­sa­tion, to read that book, to start that cook­ing class, etc. etc.
But you don´t, or you start and stop. Or you kin­da do it, but not real­ly, just to trick your­self that you are not that big of a los­er..

We wan­na run away from that voice in the back of our mind – just like a dog who keeps run­ning away and doesn´t care if his own­er screams his name for the hun­dreds time. Why?

Because he has no respect for him. He learned that he gets away with it. Noth­ing real bad hap­pened so far, so why not con­tin­ue have fun?

And we trained our­selves the same way. We don´t keep our word. We com­mit­ted our­selves to do smth, but didn´t fol­low through. We´ve told our­selves not to do some­thing, but did it any­way, with­out real­iz­ing that we are pro­gram­ming our­selves with a belief that life goes on with­out any real bad con­se­quences – you know..that ugly „grey zone“, where it´s uncom­fort­able, but not uncom­fort­able aka painful enough to actu­al­ly make that change..

We are lit­er­al­ly rebelling against our own self-inter­est. We are reject­ing what is actu­al­ly sup­port­ing our self-esteem and self-trust.

The result?

We lose self-respect. And that can be hard to admit.
Because we know how shit­ty that feels to not be respect­ed by oth­ers.
But turn­ing our own back against our our­selves? That´s like we make us to our own worst ene­my..

So how do we actu­al­ly start keep­ing those promis­es we tell our­selves…
How do we cre­ate an envi­ron­ment where our dog aka our inner rebel, actu­al­ly can run and have the time of his life, but also lis­tens and obeys as soon as we – the own­er – call him.

Basi­cal­ly it requires two things: hon­esty and discipline/commitment.

We need to get real­ly fuck­ing hon­est with our­selves…
What´s impor­tant to us, what do we want to achieve, how do we wan­na feel and what kind of per­son do we actu­al­ly want to become?

And with that we cre­ate struc­ture and a set of rules and rou­tines in order to achieve that new state or goal.
And since dogs, as we know, just wan­na eat, sleep and play all day, the leash comes in very handy.. espe­cial­ly in the begin­ning.

Because he will try to escape.. the world is too tempt­ing.
So.. KNOW his (your) trig­gers.

Train­ing means you have to take your­self on the leash and pull your­self back from doing things you don´t wan­na do. But it also means tak­ing your­self to places, activ­i­ties and peo­ple you do want to expe­ri­ence. Some­times you just got­ta pull your­self into the right direc­tion with that fuck­ing leash.

However…a dog does pull as well.

In his direc­tion.

And it can be exhaust­ing to con­stant­ly pull against your dogs own will, when he just won´t calm down.
Some­times it´s best to just take off the leash and let him do what­ev­er he so bad­ly wants to do.
No scream­ing, no run­ning after him.
Even­tu­al­ly he will come back stinky and full of dirt, hap­py to be tak­en care of again.

Let­ting go means los­ing con­trol, which can be an extreme­ly scary thing to do. You don´t know if things will work out. It´s learn­ing to trust, when you sim­ply don´t have trust.

When you stop resist­ing that pull (that voice), you give your­self per­mis­sion to trust your­self again.
It´s this, „I trust you when you trust me thing“.

Train­ing is hard work. You got­ta be strict and bru­tal­ly hon­est, but also let go and not for­get to reward yourself,…oh well.

Point is:
Through train­ing we learn to keep our­selves account­able – in oth­er words, we learn to stay true to what we said we would do or not do.
Only then do we start to build self-trust again and actu­al­ly gain back that respect for our­selves.

And the moment we can trust our­selves again, is the moment we can safe­ly take off that leash and run into the wide open space of free­dom and pos­si­bil­i­ties, with­out that noice in the back scream­ing and demand­ing all kinds of things of us.
The dog has proven over and over again that he does what we say. Now we trust him. And in turn, the free­dom we give him is the best thing he could ever ask for.

We can only grasp what´s on the oth­er side of dis­ci­pline and dis­com­fort.
It´s not an easy train­ing to go through.

But would you rather live life for­ev­er on a leash, drag­ging your own­er uncon­trol­lably around try­ing to taste life as much as pos­si­ble, while hav­ing that con­stant scream­ing voice in your ears?


train. and unleash the [read dog back­wards] with­in you.

Or buy one.

Every time you ask him how you look, he´ll say „WAU!“

and some­times that´s all you need to hear.

lieber Alkohol, …

ich erin­nere mich gern an dich. Denn das schlimm­ste weiß ich ohne­hin nicht mehr.

Und das ist gut so.

Dacht ich immer.

Aber dann fragte ich mich: Was ist gut daran, sich an etwas nicht erin­nern zu kön­nen?

Wie oft ich mir Geschicht­en so manch­er Nächte über Drit­ten mit zuge­drück­tem Auge anhören musste.
Wie oft ich mich sel­ber fragte, was ich denn stun­den­lang in Anwe­sen­heit selb­st zuge­dröh­n­ter Men­schen wohl von mir gegeben habe.
Und wie oft ich selb­st laange über­legte, was zwis­chen Tanzein­heit­en und das näch­ste Bier holen wohl geschehen sein möge.

Wenn ich wen anderes fra­gen muss, ob ich denn Spaß hat­te..
..hört der Spaß auf.

Wieso befördern wir uns mit liter­weise Spritzer und Bier vor 12 ins Knock­out, wenn uns am näch­sten Tag ein Gefühl der Ungewis­sheit und Frag­würdigkeit mit ein­er ergiebi­gen Por­tion an Pochen an der linken Schläfe plagt?

Warum sagen wir uns an jedem Tag danach „nie wieder“, wenn wir ins­ge­heim wis­sen, wo wir uns näch­sten Sam­stag wiederfind­en,
und mit wem an der, sry — in der Hand.

Alko­hol, du hast eine Gabe Men­schen zusam­men­zubrin­gen. Denn du weißt genau, wonach sich jed­er von uns sehnt. Du weißt, was wir wollen und vor allem was wir brauchen.
Du löst in uns ein Zus­tand der Sor­glosigkeit, der Unbeküm­mertheit aus und ver­sorgst uns mit einem Lachen im Gesicht, welch­es nicht sel­ten auch unseren Bauch durch­dringt.

Wie kön­nen wir dir jemals untreu sein, wenn mit dir unsere Welt ein kleines biss­chen erträglich­er wird. Auch wenn nur für den Moment, für den Abend oder die Nacht.

Doch der Mor­gen kommt. Und die Kopf­schmerzen lassen uns eben­falls nicht im Stich.
So manch­er steckt es gut weg. So ander­er liegt für 2 Tage flach.

Du meinst es nur gut, das ist mir schon klar. Und ich ver­steh dein Motiv, dein Anliegen, dein Zweck. Aber wie kann etwas so gut tun, und gle­ichzeit­ig so schlecht?
Ich möchte nichts mis­sen, das ist meine Angst. Doch wenn ich dich lasse, geht vielle­icht mehr als ich will.
Mit was stoß ich an, wenn nicht mal mit Kräuter­schnaps? Und wie halt ich aus, was ich nun nüchtern ertra­gen muss?

Du bringst mich in ein Dilem­ma. Wie eine Droge die mich fes­thält.
Fes­thält an Erin­nerun­gen von damals, und diese die noch kom­men.

Ich will das eine und das andere. Geht das denn nicht? Denn ich will nichts opfern, was ich ohne­hin so oft ver­miss.

Wir leben in ein­er Gesellschaft, die das Leben um dich feiert. Geburt­stage, Hochzeit­en und Abschlussfeiern, deine Präsenz riecht man immer.
Und auch beim abendlichen Ausklang (for no rea­son at all) „ein Gläschen gefäl­lig?“ ..aber so wie wir nun mal sind, find­en wir immer einen Grund.
Und wenn wir einen Raum betreten, sei es eine Par­ty oder ein Event, dann laufen wir als erstes zu dir (nach dem Klo), denn was du uns gibt, ist ein Gefühl der Sicher­heit… mir dir ste­hen wir nicht allein.

Du siehst, ich will dich nicht nur trinken, son­dern auch vom Schreiben komm ich nicht los von dir.

Vielle­icht muss ich ein­se­hen, dass wir zwei für immer eine Hass-Liebe Beziehung führen wer­den.
Der Abend voll Liebe, der Mor­gen voll Hass.

Und doch frage ich mich: Sind denn nicht die besten Dinge im Leben auch von bei­dem erfüllt?

Solang diese Tra­di­tion, unsere Gläs­er mir dir zu erheben,
und solang wir zusam­men­schweißend „zam zam zam“ rufen, um die Freude am Leben zu feiern…
…Solange werde ich mit dir, liebe Sub­stanz chemis­ch­er Verbindun­gen die eine Hydroxy-Gruppe enthält, noch vie­len weit­ere Erin­nerun­gen teilen.

Aber damit diese Erin­nerun­gen auch wirk­lich welche wer­den, und nicht im Sumpf des Unter­be­wusst­seins für immer ver­schwinden, sehe ich mich dazu ver­an­lasst, 2 aus 5 Getränken mit dein­er Schwest­er H²0 auszu­tauschen.
Um dem mal opti­mistisch her­anzuge­hen.

Und wer weiß…vielleicht wer­den von nun an alle feier-würdi­gen Tage von mehr getra­gen, als nur von dir.

Denn wie schön sind geteilte Momente mit Men­schen die man feiert, wenn man sich an jedes Wort, welch­es uns zum lachen brachte, erin­nert?

Und wie schön ist es, am näch­sten Tag auf­ste­hen zu kön­nen,
ohne Schmerz und ohne Übel, und den Tag nicht nur aus der Couch-Per­spek­tive zu erleben?

..oder im Stande zu sein, mit seinen Lieben weit­er­feiern zu kön­nen 😉


the fast and the feast

So, I just fin­ished a 90 hours fast.

To get a bet­ter pic­ture: that´s close to 4 days with­out food — just water and tea.
I intend­ed to do it no longer or short­er, because for me this length seems quite man­age­able and gives a great amount of ben­e­fits with­out „over­do­ing“ it.
Well…it´s been only near­ly 4 days but the phas­es you go through while fast­ing are quite „inter­est­ing“.

Let me guide you through them..

Day 1: not that hun­gry til mid-day, a lit­tle moody, kind of impa­tient already, but over­all ok.

Day 2: „Why the fuck am I doing this shit?! I´m gonna break it, I´m gonna quit, I just gonna do it anoth­er time when I´m more busy and more dis­tract­ed! How can being pissed, rest­less and annoyed be health­i­er than fast­ing any­way? That´s it, tonight I´m gonna eat my scram­bled eggs with spinach and mush­rooms“ (that´s pret­ty much all I had in my fridge).
Don´t ask me how I made it through day 2, because I can´t even count how many times I bat­tled with thoughts of quit­ting and how many excus­es have cir­cled my mind – buu­ut some­thing in me some­how resist­ed to eat.
So I didn´t.

I decid­ed to break the fast the next day instead..

Day 3: I woke up. and felt..kinda good.
I imme­di­ate­ly decid­ed, nope I´m not going to break my fast today. I gonna make it through those 90 hours! I went for a run and actu­al­ly had great ener­gy, but then again..I also felt exhaust­ed after 15 min­utes.
By now my body has adjust­ed get­ting its ener­gy dif­fer­ent­ly with the result of me feel­ing bet­ter in my head with more steady ener­gy lev­els.

It´s pret­ty com­mon that the first two days suck. They are def­i­nite­ly the hard­est and worst.
If you can make it through the first 48 hours, you already made it half way through – even if you decide to fast for 10 days.

Day 4: „I actu­al­ly could go on…“
I real­ly thought this. My ener­gy got even bet­ter, I was more sharp and more moti­vat­ed (okay I was also look­ing for­ward to eat again that day).
But it real­ly did feel like I could go on for anoth­er few days.

How­ev­er, I´m not too much into longer fasts, even though chal­leng­ing myself to do a 5 day one seems quite appeal­ing (yea until day 2 starts..).

And maaan, does it feel good to eat again. You real­ly do appre­ci­ate food much more, its taste, its smell, and just being able to chew again.

So and with what did I break it?

I didn´t go for the whole fruit or juice thing, nope. After 4 days it´s usu­al­ly ok to go for smth more sub­stan­tial, at least for me. Every­one is dif­fer­ent.
So I made some eggs (there they are;) with some mush­room and spinach (of course), some cucum­ber aaand drum drum…beef liv­er.
Just because it´s deli­cious.

Fast­ing – espe­cial­ly dur­ing the first cou­ple of days — feels like you´re wait­ing…
wait­ing until you can eat again.
wait­ing until your life becomes nor­mal again.
and wait­ing until you can par­tic­i­pate in nor­mal things again, like going to a cafe with­out hav­ing to order tea…I mean who drinks tea in a cafe?
It´s. just. not. the. same.

So yea every­one goes through dif­fer­ent stuff, and some fasts can be eas­i­er than the oth­ers.
After hav­ing done it a few times before, 2 of which hap­pened last year. I can say that with this one I had to push through much hard­er.
I believe because I didn´t need to go to work. Being prop­er­ly occu­pied takes a lot of thought bat­tling away, and before you real­ize it, it´s bed­time and the next day is about to start. Some peo­ple pre­fer rest­ing.
I dis­trac­tion.

So yea, this was my first 90 hours fast expe­ri­ence this year.
Now I´m gonna show (or rather explain) you why I´m actu­al­ly doing this to me. And I bet after read­ing this, you gonna think about doing it as well;)


Fast­ing is stress.

Do I have you on board already?


Well, yes fast­ing is stress for the body, no ques­tion. But so is exer­cis­ing. The mus­cles while strength train­ing are torn. They need to be under stress in order to rebuild them­selves again. That´s how they get stronger.

Same goes with fast­ing.

First­ly, it makes your immune sys­tem stronger and more resilient.


While fast­ing your body goes into sur­vival mode and tries to save ener­gy. It does it, amongst oth­er things, by get­ting ener­gy from oth­er sources than it nor­mal­ly would. One way is to recy­cle a lot of the immune cells that are not need­ed or even dam­aged. It´s like, only the strongest and fittest sur­vive;)

Basi­cal­ly your cells are going to start regen­er­at­ing, which leads to them replac­ing old cells with new and health­i­er ones.
Yes at first the num­ber of white blood cells go down while fast­ing, but when you start to refeed again, stem cells are acti­vat­ed and start to pump out new ones.
Fast­ing is lit­er­al­ly reset­ing your entire immune sys­tem, mak­ing you more resilient to tox­ins, bac­te­rias, free rad­i­cals etc. than before.

Anoth­er great ben­e­fit of fast­ing is the increase of human growth hor­mones, which plays an impor­tant role in growth, metab­o­lism and mus­cle strength. Some ath­letes out there take sup­ple­ments to inhance their human growth hor­mones, because it speeds up recov­ery time, helps to build mus­cle faster and burns fat faster! So why not do it the health­i­er, more nat­ur­al and also more chal­leng­ing way! (you know.. strength­en­ing your willpow­er is not a bad thing either..).
Fur­ther­more the boost in human growth hor­mone enhances col­la­gen pro­duc­tion (for healthy nails, hair, skin and joints), and also improves bone den­si­tiy. Oh and just so you know..it´s also called the anti-aging hor­mone.
So yea..we def­i­nite­ly want more of that.

My favourite ben­e­fit of fast­ing is actu­al­ly its effect on aut­phagy.
As humans we need to elim­i­nate waste from our body… well, so do our cells. They need to get rid of their waste and con­stant­ly restore them­selves in order to per­form opti­maly. Autophagy is basi­cal­ly the cell recy­cling and refresh­ing itself and fast­ing turns on this process immen­seve­ly, because now, with­out any food, the body has time to do so.

When you are in a con­stant feed modus, the body is main­ly occu­pied with all the food you con­sume, digest­ing it as fast as it can, before the next load comes in. (btw, that´s why we lose our appetite when we are sick, because our body needs the ener­gy to fight off bac­te­ria and get healthy again).

Autophagy is also a rea­son why prop­er sleep for exam­ple is so cru­cial. Dur­ing that time our bod­ies actu­al­ly do all the repair­ing and restor­ing, mak­ing us ready for the next day.
However..nowadays with the amount of stress we are con­front­ed or put on our­selves, the food we eat (or not eat), the alco­hol we con­sume, the con­stant snack­ing dur­ing the day and til late in the evening, as well as lack of sleep itself, makes this clean­ing process of the cells hard­er and hard­er and this comes with a bunch of con­se­quences.
From fatigue and diges­tive issues, to autoim­mune dis­eases and oth­er severe phys­i­cal but also men­tal ill­ness­es. It shows up dif­fer­ent­ly for every­one.

And since we talk about stress… fast­ing does help here as well, because you will be improv­ing your body´s gen­er­al resis­tance to stress in the long-run.
Expos­ing your body to dif­fer­ent kind of stres­sors such as excer­sic­ing, cold show­ers, sauna or fast­ing makes your body, as said, more resilient and there­fore more capa­ble in deal­ing with life´s ongo­ing stres­sors.

There are so many more great ben­e­fits to fast­ing and I´m not going to cov­er them all here (feel free to look them up) BUT, one last impor­tant one I want to men­tion is its effect on our brain.
While fast­ing the pro­duc­tion of a pro­tein called brain-derived neu­rotroph­ic fac­tor (BDNF) is stim­u­lat­ed, which plays a crit­i­cal role in mem­o­ry, learn­ing, and gen­er­ates new nerve cells! Fur­ther­more it makes neu­rons more resistent to stress.
The process of autophagy that I men­tioned ealier, does not only apply to the cells in our blood or liv­er or skin…obviously the same goes for our brain with all its awe­some regen­er­at­ing ben­e­fits (ok I hope this was the last time I used the word ben­e­fit here……damned!).

To sum it up…with fast­ing we give the body the oppor­tu­ni­ty to lit­er­al­ly heal itself by killing off aka starv­ing all the old and unhealthy cells, includ­ing autoim­mune cells and even can­cer cells, mak­ing the immune sys­tem stronger than before.

Fast­ing is an expe­ri­ence that is men­tal­ly, emo­tion­al­ly and phys­i­cal­ly chal­leng­ing.
But at the same time reward­ing on so many lev­els.

The best part of all?

Your first meal after your fast.

because believe me…

…even mush­rooms and spinach turn into a feast.


when you feel something …

… that you believe is stu­pid to feel, because it´s for the weak, for the imma­ture or belongs to the „past you“..

Some­thing you may think you should be „over“ by now and not be trig­gered any­more..

Well then, sor­ry to say that, but you are way behind in life.

No of course not.

Well a lit­tle bit.

But guess what, as adults we are still bom­bard­ed with those needs, wants and desires that are ingrained in us.

Remem­ber when you were a kid? Want­i­ng some­thing right now and only now?

Or as Teenagers, think­ing we are right, always and with every­thing?

These feel­ings still show up, even if now in a dif­fer­ent set­ting and to a dif­fer­ent indi­vid­ual extent.

Part of grow­ing up, is becom­ing aware of our dai­ly automa­tisms and ways of react­ing that rule our life, if we let it. (So actu­al­ly grow­ing up is nev­er quite fin­ished, but yea…).

Becom­ing aware of your way of deal­ing with feel­ings, like when you feel frus­trat­ed because you have an ongo­ing pain in your body,
or feel­ing impa­tient because you need an answer or expla­na­tion for someone´s behav­iour, like now.
or feel­ing lone­ly, because you have no one to con­nect to,
or feel­ing anx­ious because you are sit­ting on a pile of debts..

Most peo­ple react in a way that tries to make these feel­ings go away, as quick­ly as pos­si­ble.
It´s like we are sit­ting on ice, wait­ing for the ice to melt, but all we get is a fuck­ing cold ass.

Until it´s numb.
Well now we keep sit­ting on the cold with­out feel­ing any­thing any­more.

This hap­pens more often than we think in sit­u­a­tions where we are feel­ing some­thing we don´t wan­na feel.
And we start to unpack one of our, over the years, well tried out strate­gies, that we prob­a­bly know haven´t worked in the past, but at least we know how they will turn out. (You know, cer­tain­ty first..).

We either aggres­sive­ly force the result we want (remem­ber that child you were…I WANT MY BANANA ICE CREAM NOW!!)

Or we pre­tend and tell our­selves, „heyyyyy..it´s all goood, I can deal with that. I´m a mature, smart, grown up per­son that knows how to deal with life chal­lenges thrown at my face over and over and over again.. Aaaal­ll goooood. Real­ly!


See, these two strate­gies are either puk­ing it all out or swal­low­ing it down – over and over again (btw, the puke lands on you).

Some­times we even con­fuse these two. We say to our­selves, „ok, I´m going take the more com­pas­sion­ate road“. Maybe we have the urge to puk.. ah sor­ry I mean to defend our­selves, but then we decide to do things the „mature“ way and try to make the impres­sion (for us and oth­ers) that we have it all togeth­er.

Sor­ry but even a rac­coon mung­ing on the most deli­cious bug can smell your pas­siv-aggres­sive­ness.
Yes even the rac­coon that lives in the far far away for­est in which you are not.

Ok back to my point.

There is a fine line between real­ly sit­ting with a feel­ing and think­ing you are okey with a feel­ing.
The one is allow­ing it to be there, you actu­al­ly feel that shit­ty feel­ing. The oth­er is coat­ing it with a good feel­ing — so you (seem­ing­ly) feel bet­ter.

You either go for pain now and plea­sure lat­er, or good feel­ing now and pain lat­er.

This goes for a lot of deci­sions we make in life. Some have better/or worse con­se­quences than oth­ers.
Med­i­ta­tion for exam­ple can be a pain in the ass – our mind is just not made for still­ness. But we ben­e­fit from it more than we think. The biggest one? We get bet­ter in man­ag­ing our nev­er-end­ing waves of feel­ings in life aka we stop sit­ting on cold ice. (yes there is also warm ice, didn´t know?).

So that feel­ing you don´t wan­na feel…because it´s stu­pid and imma­ture and exhaust­ing and frus­trat­ing and all the things you don´t wan­na feel..
..yes maybe it is annoy­ing to feel this feel­ing and yes maybe it is stu­pid, because you should get the hang of it by now. But you don´t. We are humans. It takes some time to adapt, to change a behav­iour or a way of think­ing, espe­cial­ly when we are used to do things a cer­tain way for a long time.

Some peo­ple are used to get pissed all the time, or to react mad, or feel lone­ly, basi­cal­ly to feel pain. Do they want to feel that?


Well, do you call that stu­pid?


But as I said, we peo­ple pre­fer to do things that are known, cer­tain and famil­iar (thx brain), even if that means hav­ing a numb cold ass.

We have to start treat­ing our unwant­ed feel­ings like a kid that screams for atten­tion. „Oh hey there sad feel­ing, what´s going on? What do you want, what do you need?“ Sounds pret­ty weird…but that uncom­fort­able feel­ing is there for a rea­son. Prooob­a­bly some unmet need that requires your atten­tion.

So give it to him or her! No puk­ing, no swal­low­ing, just your atten­tion. Real­ly lis­ten­ing is often the best first step to actu­al­ly start think­ing dif­fer­ent­ly in order to start behav­ing in a dif­fer­ent way, which invites new expe­ri­ences in our life and in turn cre­ates new feel­ings that then change us to a com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent per­son than we were before.

Repetion, repetion, repetion until they become want­ed automa­tisms that rule our life — because now we con­scious­ly chosed so.

Seing it that way, this process can actu­al­ly be fun. With patience and per­se­ver­ance we can mold our­selves into who­ev­er we want to be.

And if all of that doesn´t work?

Well then, go puke. It can actu­al­ly be quite free­ing some­times.

but only some­times.

then go back to mold­ing.








sch(m)erzen only

und bäng er hat begonnen,

das vierte Monat im Jahr.

wieso er mit ein Scherz begin­nt,

das ist mir noch nicht klar.


vielle­icht ist dies zum auflock­ern,

als Start in diese Zeit.

wo man sel­ten genau weiß,

ob es heiß wird oder schneit.


er fängt schon mal nicht schlecht an,

bewölkt bei 17 Grad.

doch am Fre­itag solls schon reg­nen,

so bleibts bes­timmt nicht fad.


und wie war das Jahr bish­er?

alle recht zufrieden?

pläne sind schon umge­set­zt?

oder doch nur meist ver­mieden?


starten kann man immer,

ger­ade im April.

denn mit Sonne läuft sich´s bess­er,

auch wenn man nicht will.


und wenns doch mal hart wird,

solch´ Zeit­en gibt es immer.

dann greif ein­fach zur Flasche,

zumin­d­est wirds nicht schlim­mer.


ja ja ich weiß,

das war natür­lich ein Scherz

aber ist auch sehr erlaubt,

wie haben ja nicht mehr März.


das Jahr verge­ht so schnell,

wie jedes schon davor.

und doch geht’s noch ras­an­ter,

da ver­lässt mich mein Humor.


ich will ein­mal so leben,

ohne Sor­gen was wäre wenn.

pro­bieren und wieder löschen,

nicht nur wenn ich penn.


und was wenn ich genau,

dies ein­fach jet­zt riskiere.

tue was mir gefällt,

und alles quer pro­biere?


mor­gen kön­nt ich losle­gen,

ein­fach damit starten.

is ja nur aus Spaß,

mehr will ich nicht erwarten.


und wenn ihr mor­gen auf­ste­ht,

denkt dabei an eines,

das ganze Leben ist ein Sch(m)erz,

und auch ganz was feines 😉

by by 20s

It´s weird what a num­ber can do…especially when the first dig­it changes for good and stays for the next decade. But more than that, it holds a dif­fer­ent ener­gy – thus you do feel some­what dif­fer­ent (even though so many keep say­ing, I don´t feel dif­fer­ent at all, it´s just a num­ber blala, yea wait til your 32 or 35, the 30ies will hit you at some point).

“30” holds a dif­fer­ent set of expec­ta­tions, from your­self and soci­ety – how to behave, what you should have had accom­plished so far, and what you should be aim­ing to achieve in the next few years (hel­loo mar­riage and baby!). But luck­i­ly (or not) our gen­er­a­tion cares (and wor­ries) about so much more than a wed­ding and house with gar­den. We care about trav­el­ling – france til japan, by 30 we might think we should have start­ed a start-up already – of course with big suc­cess. We care about free­dom and work we find mean­ing­ful. We don´t need to get set­tled, have kids and a dog (okey the dog can stay).

Most peo­ple who hit 30 nowa­days, are by far not inter­est­ed in those stereo­typ­i­cal things peo­ple used to, like back in the days (lets say grand­ma days). Most women I know can´t even han­dle the thought of hav­ing a child in the near future. Most men (boys) are still…well boys.

Both gen­ders in gen­er­al just don´t feel like actu­al adults. As kids every­one above 18 is a grown up for us and we start to cre­ate an image of what being an adult is sup­posed to look like. This pic­ture in our mind is by far more adult-like than we´ll ever feel.

And in the world we live today, it gets hard­er not want­i­ng to stay young. There is just so much to do and explore. We have a hard­er time com­mit, cos we like our free­dom to chose, any­time and every­time.

There is noth­ing wrong with that…except..

…there sort of is.

Liv­ing in a mul­ti­op­tion­al envi­ron­ment chal­lenges us to con­stant­ly work on main­tain­ing or devel­op­ing our iden­ti­ties. So many pos­si­bil­i­ties to do, look or be in order to feel like the per­son we want to be in this world. That´s exhaust­ing. It´s exhaust­ing because it cre­ates even more expec­ta­tions we hold for our­selves, an image of our self that we want to embody. But these expec­ta­tions are often in con­flict with what life is right now, and our inner resis­tance to those expec­ta­tions (that´s a whole oth­er chap­ter by itself..).

Turn­ing 30 (or any turn­ing age for you) can be a “oh so great reminder” of those unmet expec­ta­tions, which can make us feel like a fail­ure in what­ev­er area you chose to.

Still haven´t found that one rela­tion­ship you think you should be in by now?

Still work­ing in a job that drains you dai­ly and makes you won­der what the hell am I sup­posed to do oth­er­wise?

Still not work­ing out and pre­tend­ing alco­hol is healthy because alco­hol makes you hap­py and hap­py equals healthy?

Still liv­ing in a city that stress­es you when all you want is smell ros­es and sleep under the stars? (hey don´t laugh, I´m just try­ing to include all peo­ple here okey).

So yea, it´s this: I still haven´t….I still need to…. But now I´m a lit­tle too old for this..or that. Or worse, will it ever hap­pen?

Clos­ing a chap­ter when in fact you haven´t come to an end in the pre­vi­ous one makes it all hard­er to move on.

Yes cer­tain things aren´t so sim­ple to do any­more than with 21.

And before I con­tin­ue, think your­self of a few things you feel like you can´t do any­more or would feel kind of weird, now that you´re much old­er.

So what did come up? Doing a cou­ple of intern­hips again? Tak­ing a year off to just explore, try new things and fig­ure life out? Par­ty­ing 3 days in a row and then being back at work by 9? Going back to school? Not know­ing the top 5 news-sto­ries of the week? Tell peo­ple you´re still find­ing your­self? Live life as if there´s no tomorow?

Yes they might part­ly be true, but to be hon­est, there are not that many things you can´t do any­more when you´re 30. How­ev­er by then, we already lived quite a while and this time frame gives us more room for self-judge­ment and regret on how we spent this time. Thanks com­par­i­son syn­drome. But that´s smth we have to live our whole life with, bet­ter we learn how to man­age it prop­er­ly now than when we´re 40. Because it gets woooooorse.

30 is a beau­ti­ful num­ber I think. And how­ev­er peo­ple might see it, it does mark a new chap­ter in one´s life, even if noth­ing huge changes „imme­di­ate­ly“.

The good thing is, we can use this turn­ing point to help us redi­rect our mind­set in order to make changes we want­ed to make for a long time (in our 20s for exam­ple?). And as I said in the beginning…if it doesn´t hit you now..it will at some point. The ear­li­er the bet­ter. Who wants to real­ize they haven´t done all the things they want­ed to in their 50s??

And it´s not even about accom­plish­ing cer­tain goals or dreams. It´s about doing smth every­day that moves you for­ward to that thing you want to achieve. In the end it´s about that feel­ing. That feel­ing of, I actu­al­ly went for it. Because then, 10 years from now you will have the best feel­ing one can have before enter­ing a new chap­ter: _____________

You can pick your feel­ing.

Chose how you want to feel til your next chap­ter begins and aim to feel that way every day.

So, on the one hand, yes, 30 is just anoth­er num­ber. On the oth­er however….the youth as we know it, is pret­ty much over. It´s over. For some peo­ple this process can be hard to accept. Ah ok, a name for this phase has been giv­en already? Well then, hel­lo midi-life cri­sis (not to con­fuse with midlife).

And for those peo­ple who can´t relate to any of that? Well, good for you! It is sup­posed to feel that way. A cool ride with a lot of bumps in the road.

I always say, the best thing about get­ting old­er is that we´re all in this togeth­er.

One wrin­kle at a time.

Have a good turn­ing year.

what becomes of the brokenhearted…

Years ago, I woke up in the morn­ing and had this song play­ing in my head…very ran­dom­ly. I hadn´t heard it in yeears. The thing is, I only had the melody in my head. It makes me go crazy when I have a song stuck in my ear, but I have no lyrics to hold onto to look it up.

So I was mum­bling it in my head over and over again hop­ing some words will pop up from some cor­ner of my brain. Mhm when I nanana mhm this mmmh it the lalala ach shit what is it!!

And then suddenly……broookenheeearted.. I googled and googled and then final­ly found the title of the song.

And I sud­den­ly remem­ber how I´ve been feel­ing late­ly that time.

Like in movies: Sad sit­u­a­tion = sad music, peo­ple in action = action music. Very sim­ple.

Well, what hap­pened in my movie? Betray­al? Loss of a lover?

Well, no…there was no prince who I was mad­ly in love with and now it´s all over and my heart is bro­ken in thou­sand pieces.. for­ev­er and ever.

Why then did I relate to the lyrics?

Because I FELT like a bro­ken­heart­ed. what­ev­er that actu­al­ly real­ly means.

Now years lat­er I see that we all can suf­fer from some sort of heart­break.

„Heart­break is what hap­pens when love is lost“.1

Think about being in love. It doesn´t mat­ter if you have been or not, we all have expe­ri­enced it in some way or anoth­er and it doesn´t always have to be a per­son, it can be a moment that was so per­fect, you for­got every­thing around you includ­ing all of your prob­lems.

We are filled with love in that moment, we are filled with love from that per­son. And sud­den­ly noth­ing else mat­ters. Well how was that again?….. All you need is love?

We are bro­ken­heart­ed, because we know there is more to love, because we have expe­ri­enced it some­how before and now we´ve lost it, we don´t have it any­more, it´s gone. And even if we haven´t expe­ri­enced it so far, we can still feel like as if we´ve lost it, because we see it in the world. We see that it´s pos­si­ble. We can grasp how love can feel like. And know­ing that „it“ is some­where „out there“, but not with­in us, makes us to bro­ken­heart­ed.

How does ‘love´ work any­way? Is lov­ing our­selves not enough? Do we real­ly need it from the out­side aswell?

Expe­ri­enc­ing love means to be able to receive and give love. If we can´t do that, we feel like some­thing is miss­ing. We don´t feel whole.

Imag­ine a typ­i­cal heart split in the mid­dle. Is there any­thing miss­ing? Is a piece gone? No. It´s all there. Both sides just have to find there way to each oth­er again. But it´s still all in you, as it always was and will.

But often we don´t know how to love. We are too afraid to. Because what hap­pens if you do?

You risk being bro­ken hard (maybe again). And that fuck­ing hurts.

But you know what hurts too? Stay­ing a lit­tle bro­ken. All. the. fuck­ing. time.

You receive no love, give no love, at least not real­ly. It´s kind of hap­pen­ing but on a lev­el where you won­der if you are actu­al­ly able of feel­ing love. Because deep down you know it is sup­posed to feel dif­fer­ent. When you tru­ly love, you´ll know it.

So what do you chose? Risk get­ting hurt so much that your heart breaks in two or three? Or keep­ing a dis­tance, because the image of get­ting bro­ken­heart­ed is more painful than nev­er expe­ri­enc­ing love at its core at all?

Lov­ing is a coura­geous act. We all want love, but we are often not will­ing to pay the price for it. Love is always uncer­tain. You nev­er know if you will be loved back or in the way you would want to. It´s one of the heardest things to do. And this goes beyond roman­tic love.

We have to risk stand­ing alone, we have to risk no one lik­ing us. And we have to be okay with that, because in fact… you are not sud­den­ly more alone than you were before. You are still com­plete­ly the same, — with an expe­ri­ence more: You dared to love.

So aaaac­tu­al­ly there is noth­ing to fear. Take your heart out of the cage and let it play a bit. Yes it will fall, it will get cuts and get hurt and cry, but didn´t we all when we were kids?

After a long day of play­ing and get­ting hurt, we all came home exhaust­ed but hap­py and ful­filled while our mum is gen­tly tak­ing care of our wounds and cuts we got dur­ing that day.

We need to cre­ate the same safe and lov­ing space for our own hearts when they come home, espe­cial­ly if some­thing is as painful as being bro­ken.









1: A beau­ti­ful quote from Brené Browns book „Ris­ing Strong“.

schnupfen sucks.

und so does hus­ten.

aber wenn ichs mir aus­suchen kön­nte..

sich­er kein nev­er end­ing schnupfen.

ich mein wie schnell kann sich bitte schleim bilden??

kaum aus­geschnupft kannst da scho wieder a neues tucherl raus­holen!

oke wenn wir ehrlich sind greifen wir auch 2 mal zum gle­ichen. oder 3 mal.

ach in dem einem eck­erl geht noch was.

aach, jz is es eh wieder alles hal­bert trockn.



jz wirds graus­lich.






gestern war ich im kino.

hab mir la la land angschaut.

die ersten 15min dachte ich, wow i muss mi gar net schneuzen! super, das kann jz ruhig 1 1/2 std so weit­er gehn.






mein recht­es nasen­loch füllt sich mehr und mehr.

na gut bis­si gehts noch.




ach shit mann!

ok wenn die wieder anfan­gen laut zu sin­gen schneuz i mi.






wo ist mein…

herst, ich hat­te doch noch ein stück­erl toi­let­ten­pa­pi­er in mein­er jack­en­tasche?!

moment is over. wurscht. i muss mi von dem nasalen druck befreien..


aaaah tut des guat. a wenn no 3/4 drin­nen blieb. damit sollte ich durchkom­men.









ok alle 3 minuten snif­f­en soll ma a recht sein. glauben halt die leute meine augen trä­nen genau­so wie meine nase.


schön schneuzen muss übri­gens echt gel­ernt sein!

wie manche dieses ein­fache törööö — oder keine ahnung wie man diesen sound buch­sta­biert — hin­bekommn, is für mich nicht nachvol­lziehbar. Opas kön­nen es aus irgen­deinen grund beson­ders gut…

bei mir klingts auf­je­den­fall so wies tat­säch­lich von sich geht..

als würdest du mim stro­hhalm in nem glas voller schleim…

ok sry ich hör schon auf 😀


ich finde ja, man sollte ein taschen­tuch in form eines toi­let­ten­pa­piers auf den markt brin­gen. super prak­tisch und keine raue, rote nase nach 4 mal schneuzen.


in diesem sinne,

brav hände waschen.

oder am besten nichts und nie­man­den berühren.


und an alle die es schon erwis­cht hat:


es gibt schlim­meres..


zb schnupfen UND hus­ten.





To all of those who are looking for a job, but actually have no idea what they want

Yes to all of you.

So what?

We have no idea what posi­tion to apply for, so we apply for every­thing that kind of seems inter­est­ing and that kind of seems like some­thing we are capa­ble of doing (ok for half of what I applied for I´m not even qual­i­fied enough or don´t have enough work expe­ri­ence, but yea…you know…at least it gives me the feel­ing that I´ve tried).

I´ve stopped count­ing how many appli­ca­tions I´ve sent out dur­ing the last 2 ½ months, but what I do remem­ber is that I had…3,4….yes 5 job inter­views, for like 5 com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent posi­tions. As a writer in ad agency, a cus­tomer and employ­ee con­sul­tant, a trav­el agent, mar­ket­ing and sales assis­tant for a Japan­ese cred­it card com­pa­ny, and a recep­tion­ist in a box­ing gym… yea. I know.

If you are not clear about what you are look­ing for, this is what comes out. Well, I do know that…but the thing is…I just don´t know! Yes I do have pas­sions and things I enjoy doing, but let´s be a lit­tle real­is­tic here… I also need mon­ey at some point very soon! Danc­ing like a fool in my room is not gonna fill my bank account, unfor­tu­nate­ly (although I could adver­tise it as an event, with food and drinks, and…oh a home dis­co! I could build a lit­tle bar and sell the best moji­tos! I´d buy huge speak­ers and ampli­fi­er where the sounds and beats imme­di­ate­ly brings you in a state of trance…oh, a trance dance par­ty!!

Okey, I bet­ter stop here.

Not that there is any­thing wrong with this idea (ähem, maybe not wrong, but a lit­tle out there..) but how am I going to afford those speak­ers with­out any of these col­or­ful lit­tle papers?

Very inter­est­ing ques­tion…

The thing is, we might have stud­ied some­thing, some­thing we´ve even enjoyed, but now as we are sit­ting in front of our com­put­er screen star­ring at the blank space of a job search­ing site, where you need to fill in a spe­cif­ic job title.. we´re a lit­tle over­whelmed. What exact­ly can I actu­al­ly do with my degree? And the prob­lem here is that, we think we know, but we real­ly don´t.

We don´t know if we gonna like or dis­like work­ing in the office of a car leas­ing com­pa­ny 40 hours a week. We can´t know if we enjoy or dis­en­joy (I know this word doesn´t exist) pick­ing up the phone every 10 min­utes and con­sult­ing peo­ple about their finances.

We just don´t know…..until we´ve actu­al­ly done it! And some­times it seems to hap­pen that you enjoy doing pret­ty much the same work in one com­pa­ny more than in anoth­er. There are so many com­po­nents to it.

If there is at least some­thing about the job that appeals to you, go ahead and find out for your­self. You might even dis­cov­er a new work­ing field you´re inter­est­ed in, or you might find out that direct con­tact with cus­tomers is an absolute impor­tant aspect for you to feel ful­filled in your job. Col­lect every­thing you can about what you like and dis­like and over time you have a pret­ty good pic­ture about what tasks your job should con­sist of most of the time. Yes most of the time. No job is great all of the time. We have to keep this in mind. The search of the “per­fect job” is cre­at­ing only this: no job.

I don´t even have to ques­tion myself right now. I know that I´m look­ing for “THE job”. Appar­ent­ly I´d rather have no job, than some kind of shit­ty job, because you nev­er know if the “THE job” is just around the cor­ner and if you´re not ready and free to catch it…well you´ve missed it! It´s like a bear wait­ing for that big fish in the riv­er to swim direct­ly in his paws, while ignor­ing all the oth­er lit­tle fishys that are mak­ing their turns just around him and are so easy to catch! Lit­tle fishys can be tasty as well!

But no… we want that big fish. It can come any time. Just.keep.focusing.on.your.paws.

But that´s exhaust­ing! Just grab two or three of these fuck­ing lit­tle fishys, at least you´re occu­pied and have a some­what filled stom­ach.

Nowa­days we act this way in so many oth­er areas in our life as well. Take rela­tion­ships. “No sor­ry I like you a lot, but I think there is some­one bet­ter out there for me”, so we either stay alone or keep split­ting up, because the big fish (or shall I say mus­cu­lar fish? For guys imag­ine a lady­fish with big lips) is just around the cor­ner.

We are con­stant­ly look­ing for the best, because best is the only thing we accept. Why? Because nowa­days we are exposed to so many more pos­si­bil­i­ties and options that make it so much hard­er to be sat­is­fied with what we have! We lit­er­al­ly see what we could have, and honestly…why would any­one set­tle for less than what he knows he actu­al­ly could have?

A nev­er end­ing vicious cir­cle.

But back to the job dilem­ma. It´s okey to look out for the big fish, but just stay occu­pied while doing so. And btw…if you don´t prac­tice catch­ing lit­tle fishys you might not even be able to catch the big one when it´s actu­al­ly pass­ing by…




are you wasting your time?


Well, let me help you out a bit.

Have you ever writ­ten a blog in times when you actu­al­ly feel unin­spired, tired and just not „in the mood“?

Well, there you go. This is mine.

I have only one rea­son why I´m writ­ing any­way. Hm…actually I don´t have one. Do I need to have one? Do we always need to have a rea­son why we´re doing things? I guess we don´t need one, but we do have one, if we are aware of it or not. Right now…I´m not aware of it.

Soooo, my head is try­ing to change direc­tion, think­ing about tomor­rows to-do´s, and when I should go to bed to get my much need­ed sleep….I´ve been sleep­ing quite bad late­ly, soo….ya.

No good con­tent comes out of a tired, unmo­ti­vat­ed mind. But hey I warned you! This is my “not feel­ing like it”-blog. You can­not expect any­thing good from it. With good I mean, read­ing some­thing and not regret­ting it lat­er for hav­ing wast­ed 5 min­utes of your pre­cious time.

Am I real­ly say­ing here that you are wast­ing your time? Wow, that was….a very great advice from me. So stop here for a moment, and decide if you want to waste your next few min­utes on read­ing a not feel­ing in the mood blog, with zero insight­ful con­tent and prob­a­bly no help­ful advice (except of the one I just men­tioned).


Ok, decid­ed?


Well, then good bye and have bet­ter day!











Still here? Wow you real­ly wan­na waste your time…




Well then, if you want to con­tin­ue I´m not going to stop you (because I could).


So then, let´s start with the most waste­ful blog entry ever!




















Told you so.



Let´s see if some­thing bet­ter is about to come…..







































Haha that was actu­al­ly fun­ny^^








Well, I wan­na be nice to you.

I´m gonna stop wast­ing your time (told you so I can;P)


Do some­thing you nor­mal­ly enjoy doing even though you “don´t feel like it” and don´t have a rea­son.


It actu­al­ly might be for a good rea­son.



That being said…..








…..noth­ing else to add






(thank god…)