What do you do while eat­ing?

Sit down with your plate on your table, smell and taste all the nuances of your food, take one bite at a time, chew slow­ly and real­ly enjoy this whole process?

Yea right.

Thank god we have so many dis­trac­tions handy so we don´t actu­al­ly have to go through that.

Our brain doesn´t want to sit still and basi­cal­ly do noth­ing.
— Espe­cial­ly when it´s used to get fed by con­stant stim­u­lus through our mobile devices…all the time.

Even while eat­ing. Even dur­ing a cof­fee date with a friend (which is more than sad). But even sit­ting in the train and sim­ply look­ing out­side the win­dow (or read­ing a book god for­bid!), is smth you hard­ly see any­more.

This past week­end my lit­tle cousin who´s 16 years old (and has no social media by choice) told me how he has dif­fi­cul­ty inter­act­ing with his school­mates or peo­ple his age in gen­er­al.
They are CONSTANTLY on their phone he said and it seems that he´s bestfriend´s girl­friend has a deep­er rela­tion­ship with her insta­gram account than with the guy she´s with.

I think we real­ly under­es­ti­mate how teens nowa­days are effect­ed by these tech­no­log­i­cal changes, par­tic­u­lar­ly in the past decade.

But we all can relate to some degree…

A time gap in your day?
You reach to your phone.

Don´t wan­na deal with your to-do list right now?
Oh why not check your emails one more time.

Actu­al­ly planned on going to the gym?
Just one more scroll over insta­gram.

Feel­ing stuck with a dif­fi­cult task?
Yep, take your break and make sure you are updat­ed on aall your favourite web pages. For the 8th time of your day.

We all know that feel­ing when we spent too much time on the inter­net when actu­al­ly all we did is pro­cras­ti­nat­ing.
And although nowa­days we have more options and more oppor­tu­ni­ties to learn new things, meet new peo­ple and go on crazy adven­tures — basi­cal­ly to just DO stuff…
..it seems like we waste more time than ever.

The evo­lu­tion of tech­nol­o­gy has brought us to a point where we actu­al­ly need to force our­selves to take a step back — before we get so con­sumed, that liv­ing like a human machine becomes a norm.
(And who knows how the future will look like…“some peo­ple“ out there are per­haps slow­ly adapt­ing us to that real­i­ty..).

And since all these apps and social media chan­nels play around with our psy­chol­o­gy, it´s hard to resist their temp­ta­tion.

They con­trol our emo­tions aka US. Through a small screen.

Any time we pick up our phone we get a small rush of dopamine. Some­thing new, excit­ing and unpre­dictable is always around the cor­ner and that antic­i­pa­tion makes us want it more.
Social Media, cig­a­rettes, alco­hol, food, drugs, COFFEE bla bla bla – Any­thing that releas­es one or both of these two chem­i­cals, dopamine and oxy­tocin, has the pow­er over how we feel and act.

They are tru­ly a bless­ing and curse at the same time.


Know­ing that, you can make it to your advan­tage.
Or dis­ad­van­tage.

Like I said before, we need to put an extra effort into not let­ting these devices con­sume us too much, oth­er­wise it gets hard­er and hard­er to dis­en­gage, even for a cou­ple of hours.

Because one day, who knows, your body con­fus­es real human con­nec­tion with grab­bing your phone and klick­ing and swip­ing and tex­ting in order to sat­is­fy this human need.
And in this process we slow­ly for­get what liv­ing a human life actu­al­ly feels like.

Just like we don´t know the real taste of an apple any­more.

So yea…being more „con­nect­ed“ than ever leads to los­ing con­nec­tion to our­selves and oth­ers and we are not even aware of it.

Now what?

Seems like the solu­tion lies in the oppo­site:

dis­con­nect in order to con­nect.

Prac­tise how being con­nect­ed (to your­self and oth­ers) actu­al­ly feels like. And do that more often.

Start by leav­ing all tech devices aside while eat­ing and actu­al­ly con­nect with the food on your plate.

If you are not used to it..

..your body will prob­a­bly be veeery con­fused and per­ceive it as feel­ing dis­con­nect­ed.

When in fact, detach­ing is the first step to re-con­nec­tion.

So go…connect with your broc­coli.

jo mai…

Es reg­net.
deine war­men Pullis sind immer noch im Schrank.
Schals bleiben,
und deine Win­ter­schuhe gehen auch nir­gends hin.

In der Sonne liegen?
kurze Hosen?
schwim­men gehen?
ach geh, wir haben doch noch 3 Wochen bis Som­mer­be­ginn!

Ja es ist Mai,
und der käl­teste seit 40 Jahren.
wobei es nicht wirk­lich kalt ist,
son­dern nass und schirch.

Irri­tiert ja nur meine Klei­der­auswahl.

Warmer Kapuzen­pul­li,
Jäckchen drüber,
Schal zweimal umwick­eln..
wenn nicht anders dann halt so schwitzen..

Dieses Wet­ter wider­spiegelt so manche Beziehun­gen wieder:
„ach ich weiß nicht… soll ich?
oder doch? Vielle­icht ein biss­chen..
aber eigentlich will ich nicht..

Men­sch Mai, gib dir nen Ruck,
nutz den Wind um deine Wolken wegzublasen,
wir wollen doch nur draußen im Lieges­tuhl nen Spritzer genießen,
unsere Füße im Gras spüren,
und endlich unseren zweit­en Son­nen­brand bekom­men (ja ich hat­te bere­its einen).

Aber is ok..
Juni kommt bald,
den kannst du die Lust auf Sonne nicht so leicht nehmen.
Juni meint es gut mit uns.
Sei wie Juni.

Aber nein du kopierst ein­fach von April.

Ich sag dir Mai,
du bist ja ein an sich ein tolles Monat,
aber wenn auf­grund eur­er Tauschgeschäfte,
nun auch die Erd­beer­sai­son den Kürz­eren zieht..

dann müsst ihr näch­stes Jahr,
März bis Juni, den ganzen Früh­ling ent­lang,
uns mit dem schön­sten Son­nen­schein beglück­en.

so will es das Wet­terge­setz.

how to avoid GoT-Spoilers

Have you watched the last episode?

No wor­ries I won´t be able to ruin your antic­i­pa­tion, cos I haven´t either.

so.. *NOspoil­eralert here.

If you are one of those peo­ple that still need to catch up the last few episodes,
or that still need to watch the last entire sea­son (me),
or that haven´t watched the whole entire series…

Now that the whole Game of Thrones obses­sion has reached its peak.…

..we peo­ple who wan­der around with no knowl­edge about who died, who won and who kissed who, have to watch out even more, so that we don´t run into any spoil­ers that are hid­den behind every ins­ta-sto­ry, arti­cle or peo­ple chat­ting..

Well I didn´t think about being „care­ful“ at all…. until…

I got trapped when a stranger next to me start­ed talk­ing about how it all end­ed and me then try­ing to become deaf.

You could try to run away or cov­er your ears, how­ev­er in my sit­u­a­tion both were kind of either not pos­si­ble or just fuckin hard to do.

I mean, really..never would I expect the need to pro­tect myself from GoT-spoil­ers in a gym. real­ly not.

Peo­ple don´t talk there. peo­ple lis­ten to music and work­out! (or at least pre­tend to).

But..that´s not where I got trapped..

yup it was in the lock­er room.

While I was just about to jump into the show­er, this girl start­ed talk­ing with some­one on her phone and at some point the words Game of Thrones crossed her mouth and how she can´t quite com­pre­hend the last episode and how this one char­ac­ter [bleep]…

I was like fuck, she is actu­al­ly putting it all out there, does she not know there are peo­ple here?!

Since there was a wall lock­er between us I couldn´t give her some of my „stop-the-fuck-talk­ing facial signs“ so all I tried to do (with empha­sis on try..) was to cov­er my left ear with one hand while get­ting undressed with the oth­er, which was near­ly impos­si­ble because at the same time I tried to cov­er my right ear with my shoul­der, soo.. yea.

I then quick­ly sprint­ed into the show­er and switched on the show­er­head so strong that the water splash­ing and my hum­ming would drown out any spoil­ers com­ing through.

I should have stayed in there longer, cos when I came back I still need­ed to pro­tect my ears from words enter­ing my brain.

(Thank god this whole sce­nario was not cap­tured by a large audi­ence there..)

Well, at some point I got a green light and made it out still com­plete­ly clue­less. EXCEPT of:

noo I´m jok­ing.. I´m not as mean as that girl.
(plus I don´t know any­thing any­way).

So and now? How to actu­al­ly avoid GoT-spoil­ers you won­der?

After this inci­dent I came to the conclusion..there is only one way..

..go watch them.

And to all peo­ple who know the end­ing…

..you don´t want to mess with a per­son who just got spoil­ert because of your unmer­cy­ness.

(yes, I´m ful­ly aware that this sen­tence is high­ly incor­rect. thx).

I lost my phone.

Yep. It went off and decid­ed to con­tin­ue life with­out me.

Bad decision…cos it returned back to me after (appear­ent­ly) going for a swim.

Where the heck did I lose it and why was is then so unfix­able wet on the inside?

Well, lets go back to that fri­day night..

At that beach­bar.

Theme? open air dis­co or in oth­er words:
silent dis­co.

For those who don´t know…it´s a dis­co, that´s com­plete­ly silent.

Well, until you put your head­phones on.

Theeen you sim­ply nev­er wan­na take them off ever again.

And if you won­dered… yep every­one can hear your „singing along“ when they take off their head­phones.

So don´t.

pleace don´t.

You know that sound when some­one scratch­es their nails down a chalk­board?

Yea…it´s that bad..

you know what´s worse?

When you hear your­self the next day on that freakin long video your friend took of every­one.

Impos­si­ble to watch it with­out turn­ing the vol­ume down to ‑10.

But yea, at least every­one sucks pret­ty much the same at singing aka scream­ing to a song.

As long as every­one keeps their head­phones on… you´re fine.

How­ev­er it´s nev­er a guran­tee, includ­ing all the strangers around you, sooo….
Any­thing left to do is not car­ing how stu­pid you might look and sound.

Silent dis­co or Scream­ing dis­co. The only chan­nel you should not lis­ten to.

So back to my phone.

I real­ly won­der…
Who the hell puts their nowa­days immen­siv­ley big smart­phones in their back jeans pock­et?

I´m not talk­ing about you guys…your pants pock­ets are like dou­ble the size of ours.
Girls jeans pock­ets are just not made for stor­age pur­pos­es. They are sore­ly here so you can squeeze in three of your fin­gers, in order to let your arm rest for a minute (and look cool doing so).

So of course my phone would be sit­ting in their, half in half out, fear­ing it could slip out any moment.

Well and that´s where my the­o­ry of „how I lost my phone“ starts….

A: It either just fell out and dropped into the sand – some­one found it, dumped it in water and gave it to a bar­tender, because he has no use for any­thing less than an iphone-like smart­phone.


B: I went to the bath­room, put my phone „safe­ly“ on the toi­let next to the flush and for­got it their (because in my pants pock­et it could fall out — what an irony..)
Slow­ly but sure­ly it, of course, found its way into the toi­let sink, who knows for how long, until it got dis­cov­ered by the clean­ing lady who brought it to a bar­tender. Because again…no use for an old phone, plus… it came out of a TOILET.


C: I lost it some­how some­where, some­one found it, brought it to the bar and THERE it some­how got heav­i­ly drunk on water.
(yea all those some­hows real­ly are based on sol­id assump­tions).


we all know this feel­ing when we realize….shit where is my phone..

For a moment you don´t accept the fact that it might be gone for­ev­er and you think about all the pic­tures and notes you haven´t saved and all the oth­er back­up shit you should have done but haven´t.
And now you also have to buy a new one with the mon­ey you don´t have..

This lit­tle device car­ries so many things for you, remem­bers them and saves them for you, and he, I mean it.. also acts as a lit­tle guide and con­nec­tor.

Ask your­self: What is the one thing you spend most time with..?

And lets include eeverything/one into that ques­tion.

I bet some kind of tech­ni­cal device tops on place one or two..

Actu­al­ly it´s sad to think about it, but at the end of the day, if you add it all up….you prob­a­bly inter­act more with your phone than you do with the per­son you actu­al­ly spend most time with.
Even more sad..we find our­selves doing it simul­ta­ne­ous­ly more often than we think..

Ok cou­ples out there, prove me wrong.

The fun­ny part about my whole phone los­ing thing is…I actu­al­ly told my sis­ter that day that I don´t want my phone any­more, I need a new one.
And it was not the first time I said it (so be care­ful what you wish for).

I mean, I couldn´t even make impor­tant updates any­more, because of my severe lack of stor­age space — for moonths! So that sucked.
And I also wasn´t able to trans­fer my pic­tures onto my lap­top any­more. That reeeal­ly sucked.

So…I guess, my phone knew it was time to break up (by break­ing itself.).

Whether or not it end­ed up in a toi­let..

nev­er deposit your phone any­where near one.
and don´t run and dance around with it in your pants pock­et. high risk of los­ing it..whether or not you are drunk.

but espe­cial­ly when you are drunk.

so don´t drink.

I don´t like my con­clu­sion.

can you dance without music?

Can you?

Ever done that before?

It´s quite inter­est­ing what hap­pens to us when we lis­ten to music.

You can´t see it, you can´t touch it, can´t smell it and still it can lit­er­al­ly change how you feel with­in sec­onds.

I mean who hasn´t felt a lit­tle more relieved and relaxed after lis­ten­ing to „every lit­tle thing gonna be alright“.. ok lets be hon­est, any bob mar­ley song would do so.
(and yes I know it´s not the title).

And who hasn´t felt like danc­ing like a crazy girl scream­ing back to her friends „you are my danc­ing queeen, young and sweet,…“ and for some rea­son not feel­ing embarassed at all.

What­ev­er rea­son lies behind the speed of beats, the tem­po or notes… it can change your mood in dif­fer­ent kind of ways.

Try shak­ing your head and jump­ing up and down to Beethoven.

Yea…no…that just doesn´t work.

On the oth­er hand, some peo­ple can even sli­i­ith­ly feel aggres­sive when lis­ten­ing to clas­si­cal music. Or to take it a notch down, some sim­ply dis­con­nect them­selves from that kind of music, because they feel like, nope that´s not me.
They iden­ti­fy them­selves through cer­tain kinds of music, like hard met­al and if they lis­ten to music that goes against the way they per­cieve them­selves (or want to be per­cieved by oth­ers), they can react some­what angry or judge­men­tal in order to pro­tect their iden­ti­ty.

So it´s not only about the pace, the speed or tone of the music. A lot can be traced back to your younger years, what music you were exposed to and how it made you feel at that time.
You might not nec­es­sar­i­ly loved hard rock at first, but it con­nect­ed you with oth­er peo­ple and made you feel like you belong.

Music is a pow­er­ful “tool” to unite and con­nect peo­ple (just like alco­hol does;P joke aside).

But basi­cal­ly cer­tain songs or gen­res are linked with cer­tain emo­tions – pos­i­tive or neg­a­tive ones.

Like attracts like
Ususal­ly we lis­ten to music because we wan­na feel a cer­tain way.
And we don´t wan­na feel hap­py and upbeat all the time..appearently..

Ever been sad or depressed?

Well what did you feel more drawn to lis­ten to? Prob­a­bly some­thing more Adele or Ed Sheer­an- like (why do I give you exam­ples, that I don´t even lis­ten to when being sad..) Any­way..

Stud­ies have shown that sad music can actu­al­ly make peo­ple feel bet­ter and help them work through emo­tions they are going through.
So it can be a good thing that we feel nat­u­ral­ly drawn to music that rep­re­sents our cur­rent mood.

How music influ­ences our dai­ly actions
It´s quite fas­ci­nat­ing how some invis­i­ble vibra­tions change the vibra­tions with­in our body – and can actu­al­ly change the way we behave.

Ever gone for a run? Or to the gym?
Well….ever expe­ri­enced that moment where you real­ize you for­got your earplugs and now you have to work­out with­out your music?

Yea…you almost wan­na cry and go home.

Music can real­ly moti­vate us, in par­tic­u­lar the faster paced one. It can lit­er­al­ly trick your body to go faster and per­form stronger. Which, when you think about it, kind of means that you already are that strong..
you just need­ed some out­er help to make that hap­pen.

And that makes me wonder….do we rely to a cer­tain degree on out­er forces to help us change into becom­ing the per­son we want to be?

That´s dif­fi­cult to answer, since there is a cheesy say­ing that goes like: „every­t­ing is already inside you“, or some­thing like that.

While that might be true, per­haps we do need a catalysator to start the engine.

Just like falling in love can act as an catalysator to become a bet­ter per­son (in the begin­ning at least;).

Well same goes for music! It releas­es the same feel-good hor­mone as it does when you are in love – oh yes, it´s you dear oxy­tocin.

Music can even cre­ate peak emo­tions, which increas­es the amount of dopamine in your body. That´s why you some­times feel so pumped up to one par­tic­u­lar song — mix it with danc­ing and you could embrace the whole world.

So yes, music does a lot to us.

It helps cre­ate our per­son­al iden­ti­ty.
It con­nects us with oth­er peo­ple.
It helps us per­form bet­ter in life, be it for more focus and con­cen­tra­tion in a task, work­ing out or sim­ply to release stress.
It can evoke our emo­tions like grief, anger, resent­ment, even the ones we didn´t know were there and can help us process them on a deep and sub­con­scious lev­el.
And it can sim­ply make you feel like you are drunk on a com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent lev­el.

Music has an immense pow­er over our feel­ings.
And feel­ings dri­ve our behav­iours.

So why not drink that good-feel­ing cock­tail more often, be it by play­ing an instru­ment, going to con­certs, club­bing, or sim­ply by press­ing play..

We all need help from out­side sources to spark that per­son that waits for us to be released.
Good that we have a nev­er-end­ing pool of songs to pick in any giv­en moment.

And if not..



..there is always singing…


a leash, a couch and trust issues.

Imag­ine you have a dog. Your favourite breed of all. A beau­ti­ful, cute, play­ful dog who is well-behaved and lis­tens to you.
It´s spring time and the sun is final­ly com­ing out again. A beau­ti­ful warm day and you decide to go to this huge park your dog loves so much.
You get there, you tell your dog to sit, and you gen­tly take off his leash.
Your dog waits for your com­mand and as soon as you give him a „go“, he runs off into the wide green open space in front you.

Even as a non dog-own­er, I can imag­ine how see­ing your dog run­ning through a field must feel like.
Free, con­tent, and so joy­ful in this moment. Just by watch­ing your dog hav­ing the time of his life, like he´s run­ning for the first time, you feel the same.

How­ev­er, doing so requires a good amount of trust. You wouldn´t take off his leash if you doubt­ed he´ll come back to you again. With­out train­ing him before­hand you wouldn´t be able to let him expe­ri­ence this kind of free­dom and play­time with oth­er dogs. He might take off, won´t stop play­ing (or fight­ing) with oth­er dogs, or even bite a run­ner pass­ing by.

But.. you invest­ed this time in him and in you. To cre­ate a bond that is strong and safe for both of you to expe­ri­ence those bliss­ful moments.
He can have a so much bet­ter life­qual­i­ty – thanks to you.
Thanks to your will­ing­ness to dis­ci­pline your dog, you can let him go and not fear he might dis­ap­pear.

You can count on him and he can count on you. (awwww).

And you?

Can you count on you?

Or in oth­er words:

How well-trained is your dog?

And yes you do have one.

Not the one you just imag­ined.

But the one in your mind that likes to do all kind of stu­pid stuff.
Just like a dog, we have needs and urges we pref­ere­bly don´t wan­na fight against.
We are pulled to sit on the couch, when we know we should work out, we are pulled to eat piz­za, when we know a green plate will make us feel bet­ter and we are pulled to scroll over instra­gram for the hun­dreds time, when we know we should con­tin­ue to work on our project.
Basi­cal­ly we wan­na sleep, eat and have fun, just like dog.
It´s easy and com­fort­able and requires no effort.
But we also know that in the long-term it makes us feel mis­er­able, deplet­ed and depressed.

With a mis­be­haved dog you won´t be able to take off the leash and his muz­zle.
You sim­ply can­not con­trol his behav­iour with­out that restric­tion.
Just like peo­ple. Some need to keep all the choco­late cook­ies out of the house, because they can­not be trust­ed with them.

Our needs and wants can turn into crav­ings that do what­ev­er it takes to sat­is­fy them – so we basi­cal­ly run away from our­selves to go get that „thing“.

How can we pos­si­bly trust our­selves, if call­ing us back rarely works?

And to ask fur­ther…

If I can´t trust myself, how am I ever able to let myself go after any­thing? With­out a cer­tain lev­el of self-trust how am I ever able to DO any­thing?
I wouldn´t be able to get into my car, start the engine and dri­ve 120km/h shar­ing the same road with hun­dreds of oth­er dri­vers.
I wouldn´t even be able to cut my veg­eta­bles in small pieces to make a deli­cious din­ner for myself.

Think about it, you do all the things you do dai­ly because you bring a cer­tain lev­el of self-trust into the per­for­mance. I mean you trust your­self that you won´t cut your fin­gers while cut­ting those carrots..do you?

On the oth­er hand, you could ask your­self..

What am I NOT doing, because I don´t trust myself?
What am I miss­ing out in life because of my lack of self-trust?
Maybe you don´t start that busi­ness or project because you don´t trust in your own capa­bil­i­ties.
Maybe you don´t ask your boss for a raise, because you can´t trust your lev­el of con­fi­dence to stand up for your­self.
Maybe you don´t enter that rela­tion­ship because you can´t even com­mit to your­self.
Maybe you don´t join that hip hop class, because you don´t trust in your abil­i­ty to con­nect with oth­ers. (It´s most­ly not about the activ­i­ty itself, but rather the social aspect – „will I be accept­ed by the tribe?“).

It is safe to say that in order to expe­ri­ence all of that, we need to build a cer­tain lev­el of trust with­in our­selves.
Often­times, by just doing it and fig­ur­ing it out on the way we learn to trust our­selves more and more.

BUT, as dogs, we learn and build trust through rep­e­ti­tion.
And repi­ti­tion requires a cer­tain lev­el of com­mit­ment and dis­ci­pline.

We need to cre­ate rou­tines and habits so that the new behav­iour becomes sec­ond nature.
We basi­cal­ly need to train our mind to lis­ten to us, to fol­low our com­mand.
Just as we would train our dog to do so.

Who doesn´t have that voice that con­stant­ly tells you to eat health­i­er, to work out, to work on that project, to have this dif­fi­cult con­ver­sa­tion, to read that book, to start that cook­ing class, etc. etc.
But you don´t, or you start and stop. Or you kin­da do it, but not real­ly, just to trick your­self that you are not that big of a los­er..

We wan­na run away from that voice in the back of our mind – just like a dog who keeps run­ning away and doesn´t care if his own­er screams his name for the hun­dreds time. Why?

Because he has no respect for him. He learned that he gets away with it. Noth­ing real bad hap­pened so far, so why not con­tin­ue have fun?

And we trained our­selves the same way. We don´t keep our word. We com­mit­ted our­selves to do smth, but didn´t fol­low through. We´ve told our­selves not to do some­thing, but did it any­way, with­out real­iz­ing that we are pro­gram­ming our­selves with a belief that life goes on with­out any real bad con­se­quences – you know..that ugly „grey zone“, where it´s uncom­fort­able, but not uncom­fort­able aka painful enough to actu­al­ly make that change..

We are lit­er­al­ly rebelling against our own self-inter­est. We are reject­ing what is actu­al­ly sup­port­ing our self-esteem and self-trust.

The result?

We lose self-respect. And that can be hard to admit.
Because we know how shit­ty that feels to not be respect­ed by oth­ers.
But turn­ing our own back against our our­selves? That´s like we make us to our own worst ene­my..

So how do we actu­al­ly start keep­ing those promis­es we tell our­selves…
How do we cre­ate an envi­ron­ment where our dog aka our inner rebel, actu­al­ly can run and have the time of his life, but also lis­tens and obeys as soon as we – the own­er – call him.

Basi­cal­ly it requires two things: hon­esty and discipline/commitment.

We need to get real­ly fuck­ing hon­est with our­selves…
What´s impor­tant to us, what do we want to achieve, how do we wan­na feel and what kind of per­son do we actu­al­ly want to become?

And with that we cre­ate struc­ture and a set of rules and rou­tines in order to achieve that new state or goal.
And since dogs, as we know, just wan­na eat, sleep and play all day, the leash comes in very handy.. espe­cial­ly in the begin­ning.

Because he will try to escape.. the world is too tempt­ing.
So.. KNOW his (your) trig­gers.

Train­ing means you have to take your­self on the leash and pull your­self back from doing things you don´t wan­na do. But it also means tak­ing your­self to places, activ­i­ties and peo­ple you do want to expe­ri­ence. Some­times you just got­ta pull your­self into the right direc­tion with that fuck­ing leash.

However…a dog does pull as well.

In his direc­tion.

And it can be exhaust­ing to con­stant­ly pull against your dogs own will, when he just won´t calm down.
Some­times it´s best to just take off the leash and let him do what­ev­er he so bad­ly wants to do.
No scream­ing, no run­ning after him.
Even­tu­al­ly he will come back stinky and full of dirt, hap­py to be tak­en care of again.

Let­ting go means los­ing con­trol, which can be an extreme­ly scary thing to do. You don´t know if things will work out. It´s learn­ing to trust, when you sim­ply don´t have trust.

When you stop resist­ing that pull (that voice), you give your­self per­mis­sion to trust your­self again.
It´s this, „I trust you when you trust me thing“.

Train­ing is hard work. You got­ta be strict and bru­tal­ly hon­est, but also let go and not for­get to reward yourself,…oh well.

Point is:
Through train­ing we learn to keep our­selves account­able – in oth­er words, we learn to stay true to what we said we would do or not do.
Only then do we start to build self-trust again and actu­al­ly gain back that respect for our­selves.

And the moment we can trust our­selves again, is the moment we can safe­ly take off that leash and run into the wide open space of free­dom and pos­si­bil­i­ties, with­out that noice in the back scream­ing and demand­ing all kinds of things of us.
The dog has proven over and over again that he does what we say. Now we trust him. And in turn, the free­dom we give him is the best thing he could ever ask for.

We can only grasp what´s on the oth­er side of dis­ci­pline and dis­com­fort.
It´s not an easy train­ing to go through.

But would you rather live life for­ev­er on a leash, drag­ging your own­er uncon­trol­lably around try­ing to taste life as much as pos­si­ble, while hav­ing that con­stant scream­ing voice in your ears?


train. and unleash the [read dog back­wards] with­in you.

Or buy one.

Every time you ask him how you look, he´ll say „WAU!“

and some­times that´s all you need to hear.

lieber Alkohol, …

ich erin­nere mich gern an dich. Denn das schlimm­ste weiß ich ohne­hin nicht mehr.

Und das ist gut so.

Dacht ich immer.

Aber dann fragte ich mich: Was ist gut daran, sich an etwas nicht erin­nern zu kön­nen?

Wie oft ich mir Geschicht­en so manch­er Nächte über Drit­ten mit zuge­drück­tem Auge anhören musste.
Wie oft ich mich sel­ber fragte, was ich denn stun­den­lang in Anwe­sen­heit selb­st zuge­dröh­n­ter Men­schen wohl von mir gegeben habe.
Und wie oft ich selb­st laange über­legte, was zwis­chen Tanzein­heit­en und das näch­ste Bier holen wohl geschehen sein möge.

Wenn ich wen anderes fra­gen muss, ob ich denn Spaß hat­te..
..hört der Spaß auf.

Wieso befördern wir uns mit liter­weise Spritzer und Bier vor 12 ins Knock­out, wenn uns am näch­sten Tag ein Gefühl der Ungewis­sheit und Frag­würdigkeit mit ein­er ergiebi­gen Por­tion an Pochen an der linken Schläfe plagt?

Warum sagen wir uns an jedem Tag danach „nie wieder“, wenn wir ins­ge­heim wis­sen, wo wir uns näch­sten Sam­stag wiederfind­en,
und mit wem an der, sry — in der Hand.

Alko­hol, du hast eine Gabe Men­schen zusam­men­zubrin­gen. Denn du weißt genau, wonach sich jed­er von uns sehnt. Du weißt, was wir wollen und vor allem was wir brauchen.
Du löst in uns ein Zus­tand der Sor­glosigkeit, der Unbeküm­mertheit aus und ver­sorgst uns mit einem Lachen im Gesicht, welch­es nicht sel­ten auch unseren Bauch durch­dringt.

Wie kön­nen wir dir jemals untreu sein, wenn mit dir unsere Welt ein kleines biss­chen erträglich­er wird. Auch wenn nur für den Moment, für den Abend oder die Nacht.

Doch der Mor­gen kommt. Und die Kopf­schmerzen lassen uns eben­falls nicht im Stich.
So manch­er steckt es gut weg. So ander­er liegt für 2 Tage flach.

Du meinst es nur gut, das ist mir schon klar. Und ich ver­steh dein Motiv, dein Anliegen, dein Zweck. Aber wie kann etwas so gut tun, und gle­ichzeit­ig so schlecht?
Ich möchte nichts mis­sen, das ist meine Angst. Doch wenn ich dich lasse, geht vielle­icht mehr als ich will.
Mit was stoß ich an, wenn nicht mal mit Kräuter­schnaps? Und wie halt ich aus, was ich nun nüchtern ertra­gen muss?

Du bringst mich in ein Dilem­ma. Wie eine Droge die mich fes­thält.
Fes­thält an Erin­nerun­gen von damals, und diese die noch kom­men.

Ich will das eine und das andere. Geht das denn nicht? Denn ich will nichts opfern, was ich ohne­hin so oft ver­miss.

Wir leben in ein­er Gesellschaft, die das Leben um dich feiert. Geburt­stage, Hochzeit­en und Abschlussfeiern, deine Präsenz riecht man immer.
Und auch beim abendlichen Ausklang (for no rea­son at all) „ein Gläschen gefäl­lig?“ ..aber so wie wir nun mal sind, find­en wir immer einen Grund.
Und wenn wir einen Raum betreten, sei es eine Par­ty oder ein Event, dann laufen wir als erstes zu dir (nach dem Klo), denn was du uns gibt, ist ein Gefühl der Sicher­heit… mir dir ste­hen wir nicht allein.

Du siehst, ich will dich nicht nur trinken, son­dern auch vom Schreiben komm ich nicht los von dir.

Vielle­icht muss ich ein­se­hen, dass wir zwei für immer eine Hass-Liebe Beziehung führen wer­den.
Der Abend voll Liebe, der Mor­gen voll Hass.

Und doch frage ich mich: Sind denn nicht die besten Dinge im Leben auch von bei­dem erfüllt?

Solang diese Tra­di­tion, unsere Gläs­er mir dir zu erheben,
und solang wir zusam­men­schweißend „zam zam zam“ rufen, um die Freude am Leben zu feiern…
…Solange werde ich mit dir, liebe Sub­stanz chemis­ch­er Verbindun­gen die eine Hydroxy-Gruppe enthält, noch vie­len weit­ere Erin­nerun­gen teilen.

Aber damit diese Erin­nerun­gen auch wirk­lich welche wer­den, und nicht im Sumpf des Unter­be­wusst­seins für immer ver­schwinden, sehe ich mich dazu ver­an­lasst, 2 aus 5 Getränken mit dein­er Schwest­er H²0 auszu­tauschen.
Um dem mal opti­mistisch her­anzuge­hen.

Und wer weiß…vielleicht wer­den von nun an alle feier-würdi­gen Tage von mehr getra­gen, als nur von dir.

Denn wie schön sind geteilte Momente mit Men­schen die man feiert, wenn man sich an jedes Wort, welch­es uns zum lachen brachte, erin­nert?

Und wie schön ist es, am näch­sten Tag auf­ste­hen zu kön­nen,
ohne Schmerz und ohne Übel, und den Tag nicht nur aus der Couch-Per­spek­tive zu erleben?

..oder im Stande zu sein, mit seinen Lieben weit­er­feiern zu kön­nen 😉


the fast and the feast

So, I just fin­ished a 90 hours fast.

To get a bet­ter pic­ture: that´s close to 4 days with­out food — just water and tea.
I intend­ed to do it no longer or short­er, because for me this length seems quite man­age­able and gives a great amount of ben­e­fits with­out „over­do­ing“ it.
Well…it´s been only near­ly 4 days but the phas­es you go through while fast­ing are quite „inter­est­ing“.

Let me guide you through them..

Day 1: not that hun­gry til mid-day, a lit­tle moody, kind of impa­tient already, but over­all ok.

Day 2: „Why the fuck am I doing this shit?! I´m gonna break it, I´m gonna quit, I just gonna do it anoth­er time when I´m more busy and more dis­tract­ed! How can being pissed, rest­less and annoyed be health­i­er than fast­ing any­way? That´s it, tonight I´m gonna eat my scram­bled eggs with spinach and mush­rooms“ (that´s pret­ty much all I had in my fridge).
Don´t ask me how I made it through day 2, because I can´t even count how many times I bat­tled with thoughts of quit­ting and how many excus­es have cir­cled my mind – buu­ut some­thing in me some­how resist­ed to eat.
So I didn´t.

I decid­ed to break the fast the next day instead..

Day 3: I woke up. and felt..kinda good.
I imme­di­ate­ly decid­ed, nope I´m not going to break my fast today. I gonna make it through those 90 hours! I went for a run and actu­al­ly had great ener­gy, but then again..I also felt exhaust­ed after 15 min­utes.
By now my body has adjust­ed get­ting its ener­gy dif­fer­ent­ly with the result of me feel­ing bet­ter in my head with more steady ener­gy lev­els.

It´s pret­ty com­mon that the first two days suck. They are def­i­nite­ly the hard­est and worst.
If you can make it through the first 48 hours, you already made it half way through – even if you decide to fast for 10 days.

Day 4: „I actu­al­ly could go on…“
I real­ly thought this. My ener­gy got even bet­ter, I was more sharp and more moti­vat­ed (okay I was also look­ing for­ward to eat again that day).
But it real­ly did feel like I could go on for anoth­er few days.

How­ev­er, I´m not too much into longer fasts, even though chal­leng­ing myself to do a 5 day one seems quite appeal­ing (yea until day 2 starts..).

And maaan, does it feel good to eat again. You real­ly do appre­ci­ate food much more, its taste, its smell, and just being able to chew again.

So and with what did I break it?

I didn´t go for the whole fruit or juice thing, nope. After 4 days it´s usu­al­ly ok to go for smth more sub­stan­tial, at least for me. Every­one is dif­fer­ent.
So I made some eggs (there they are;) with some mush­room and spinach (of course), some cucum­ber aaand drum drum…beef liv­er.
Just because it´s deli­cious.

Fast­ing – espe­cial­ly dur­ing the first cou­ple of days — feels like you´re wait­ing…
wait­ing until you can eat again.
wait­ing until your life becomes nor­mal again.
and wait­ing until you can par­tic­i­pate in nor­mal things again, like going to a cafe with­out hav­ing to order tea…I mean who drinks tea in a cafe?
It´s. just. not. the. same.

So yea every­one goes through dif­fer­ent stuff, and some fasts can be eas­i­er than the oth­ers.
After hav­ing done it a few times before, 2 of which hap­pened last year. I can say that with this one I had to push through much hard­er.
I believe because I didn´t need to go to work. Being prop­er­ly occu­pied takes a lot of thought bat­tling away, and before you real­ize it, it´s bed­time and the next day is about to start. Some peo­ple pre­fer rest­ing.
I dis­trac­tion.

So yea, this was my first 90 hours fast expe­ri­ence this year.
Now I´m gonna show (or rather explain) you why I´m actu­al­ly doing this to me. And I bet after read­ing this, you gonna think about doing it as well;)


Fast­ing is stress.

Do I have you on board already?


Well, yes fast­ing is stress for the body, no ques­tion. But so is exer­cis­ing. The mus­cles while strength train­ing are torn. They need to be under stress in order to rebuild them­selves again. That´s how they get stronger.

Same goes with fast­ing.

First­ly, it makes your immune sys­tem stronger and more resilient.


While fast­ing your body goes into sur­vival mode and tries to save ener­gy. It does it, amongst oth­er things, by get­ting ener­gy from oth­er sources than it nor­mal­ly would. One way is to recy­cle a lot of the immune cells that are not need­ed or even dam­aged. It´s like, only the strongest and fittest sur­vive;)

Basi­cal­ly your cells are going to start regen­er­at­ing, which leads to them replac­ing old cells with new and health­i­er ones.
Yes at first the num­ber of white blood cells go down while fast­ing, but when you start to refeed again, stem cells are acti­vat­ed and start to pump out new ones.
Fast­ing is lit­er­al­ly reset­ing your entire immune sys­tem, mak­ing you more resilient to tox­ins, bac­te­rias, free rad­i­cals etc. than before.

Anoth­er great ben­e­fit of fast­ing is the increase of human growth hor­mones, which plays an impor­tant role in growth, metab­o­lism and mus­cle strength. Some ath­letes out there take sup­ple­ments to inhance their human growth hor­mones, because it speeds up recov­ery time, helps to build mus­cle faster and burns fat faster! So why not do it the health­i­er, more nat­ur­al and also more chal­leng­ing way! (you know.. strength­en­ing your willpow­er is not a bad thing either..).
Fur­ther­more the boost in human growth hor­mone enhances col­la­gen pro­duc­tion (for healthy nails, hair, skin and joints), and also improves bone den­si­tiy. Oh and just so you know..it´s also called the anti-aging hor­mone.
So yea..we def­i­nite­ly want more of that.

My favourite ben­e­fit of fast­ing is actu­al­ly its effect on aut­phagy.
As humans we need to elim­i­nate waste from our body… well, so do our cells. They need to get rid of their waste and con­stant­ly restore them­selves in order to per­form opti­maly. Autophagy is basi­cal­ly the cell recy­cling and refresh­ing itself and fast­ing turns on this process immen­seve­ly, because now, with­out any food, the body has time to do so.

When you are in a con­stant feed modus, the body is main­ly occu­pied with all the food you con­sume, digest­ing it as fast as it can, before the next load comes in. (btw, that´s why we lose our appetite when we are sick, because our body needs the ener­gy to fight off bac­te­ria and get healthy again).

Autophagy is also a rea­son why prop­er sleep for exam­ple is so cru­cial. Dur­ing that time our bod­ies actu­al­ly do all the repair­ing and restor­ing, mak­ing us ready for the next day.
However..nowadays with the amount of stress we are con­front­ed or put on our­selves, the food we eat (or not eat), the alco­hol we con­sume, the con­stant snack­ing dur­ing the day and til late in the evening, as well as lack of sleep itself, makes this clean­ing process of the cells hard­er and hard­er and this comes with a bunch of con­se­quences.
From fatigue and diges­tive issues, to autoim­mune dis­eases and oth­er severe phys­i­cal but also men­tal ill­ness­es. It shows up dif­fer­ent­ly for every­one.

And since we talk about stress… fast­ing does help here as well, because you will be improv­ing your body´s gen­er­al resis­tance to stress in the long-run.
Expos­ing your body to dif­fer­ent kind of stres­sors such as excer­sic­ing, cold show­ers, sauna or fast­ing makes your body, as said, more resilient and there­fore more capa­ble in deal­ing with life´s ongo­ing stres­sors.

There are so many more great ben­e­fits to fast­ing and I´m not going to cov­er them all here (feel free to look them up) BUT, one last impor­tant one I want to men­tion is its effect on our brain.
While fast­ing the pro­duc­tion of a pro­tein called brain-derived neu­rotroph­ic fac­tor (BDNF) is stim­u­lat­ed, which plays a crit­i­cal role in mem­o­ry, learn­ing, and gen­er­ates new nerve cells! Fur­ther­more it makes neu­rons more resistent to stress.
The process of autophagy that I men­tioned ealier, does not only apply to the cells in our blood or liv­er or skin…obviously the same goes for our brain with all its awe­some regen­er­at­ing ben­e­fits (ok I hope this was the last time I used the word ben­e­fit here……damned!).

To sum it up…with fast­ing we give the body the oppor­tu­ni­ty to lit­er­al­ly heal itself by killing off aka starv­ing all the old and unhealthy cells, includ­ing autoim­mune cells and even can­cer cells, mak­ing the immune sys­tem stronger than before.

Fast­ing is an expe­ri­ence that is men­tal­ly, emo­tion­al­ly and phys­i­cal­ly chal­leng­ing.
But at the same time reward­ing on so many lev­els.

The best part of all?

Your first meal after your fast.

because believe me…

…even mush­rooms and spinach turn into a feast.


when you feel something …

… that you believe is stu­pid to feel, because it´s for the weak, for the imma­ture or belongs to the „past you“..

Some­thing you may think you should be „over“ by now and not be trig­gered any­more..

Well then, sor­ry to say that, but you are way behind in life.

No of course not.

Well a lit­tle bit.

But guess what, as adults we are still bom­bard­ed with those needs, wants and desires that are ingrained in us.

Remem­ber when you were a kid? Want­i­ng some­thing right now and only now?

Or as Teenagers, think­ing we are right, always and with every­thing?

These feel­ings still show up, even if now in a dif­fer­ent set­ting and to a dif­fer­ent indi­vid­ual extent.

Part of grow­ing up, is becom­ing aware of our dai­ly automa­tisms and ways of react­ing that rule our life, if we let it. (So actu­al­ly grow­ing up is nev­er quite fin­ished, but yea…).

Becom­ing aware of your way of deal­ing with feel­ings, like when you feel frus­trat­ed because you have an ongo­ing pain in your body,
or feel­ing impa­tient because you need an answer or expla­na­tion for someone´s behav­iour, like now.
or feel­ing lone­ly, because you have no one to con­nect to,
or feel­ing anx­ious because you are sit­ting on a pile of debts..

Most peo­ple react in a way that tries to make these feel­ings go away, as quick­ly as pos­si­ble.
It´s like we are sit­ting on ice, wait­ing for the ice to melt, but all we get is a fuck­ing cold ass.

Until it´s numb.
Well now we keep sit­ting on the cold with­out feel­ing any­thing any­more.

This hap­pens more often than we think in sit­u­a­tions where we are feel­ing some­thing we don´t wan­na feel.
And we start to unpack one of our, over the years, well tried out strate­gies, that we prob­a­bly know haven´t worked in the past, but at least we know how they will turn out. (You know, cer­tain­ty first..).

We either aggres­sive­ly force the result we want (remem­ber that child you were…I WANT MY BANANA ICE CREAM NOW!!)

Or we pre­tend and tell our­selves, „heyyyyy..it´s all goood, I can deal with that. I´m a mature, smart, grown up per­son that knows how to deal with life chal­lenges thrown at my face over and over and over again.. Aaaal­ll goooood. Real­ly!


See, these two strate­gies are either puk­ing it all out or swal­low­ing it down – over and over again (btw, the puke lands on you).

Some­times we even con­fuse these two. We say to our­selves, „ok, I´m going take the more com­pas­sion­ate road“. Maybe we have the urge to puk.. ah sor­ry I mean to defend our­selves, but then we decide to do things the „mature“ way and try to make the impres­sion (for us and oth­ers) that we have it all togeth­er.

Sor­ry but even a rac­coon mung­ing on the most deli­cious bug can smell your pas­siv-aggres­sive­ness.
Yes even the rac­coon that lives in the far far away for­est in which you are not.

Ok back to my point.

There is a fine line between real­ly sit­ting with a feel­ing and think­ing you are okey with a feel­ing.
The one is allow­ing it to be there, you actu­al­ly feel that shit­ty feel­ing. The oth­er is coat­ing it with a good feel­ing — so you (seem­ing­ly) feel bet­ter.

You either go for pain now and plea­sure lat­er, or good feel­ing now and pain lat­er.

This goes for a lot of deci­sions we make in life. Some have better/or worse con­se­quences than oth­ers.
Med­i­ta­tion for exam­ple can be a pain in the ass – our mind is just not made for still­ness. But we ben­e­fit from it more than we think. The biggest one? We get bet­ter in man­ag­ing our nev­er-end­ing waves of feel­ings in life aka we stop sit­ting on cold ice. (yes there is also warm ice, didn´t know?).

So that feel­ing you don´t wan­na feel…because it´s stu­pid and imma­ture and exhaust­ing and frus­trat­ing and all the things you don´t wan­na feel..
..yes maybe it is annoy­ing to feel this feel­ing and yes maybe it is stu­pid, because you should get the hang of it by now. But you don´t. We are humans. It takes some time to adapt, to change a behav­iour or a way of think­ing, espe­cial­ly when we are used to do things a cer­tain way for a long time.

Some peo­ple are used to get pissed all the time, or to react mad, or feel lone­ly, basi­cal­ly to feel pain. Do they want to feel that?


Well, do you call that stu­pid?


But as I said, we peo­ple pre­fer to do things that are known, cer­tain and famil­iar (thx brain), even if that means hav­ing a numb cold ass.

We have to start treat­ing our unwant­ed feel­ings like a kid that screams for atten­tion. „Oh hey there sad feel­ing, what´s going on? What do you want, what do you need?“ Sounds pret­ty weird…but that uncom­fort­able feel­ing is there for a rea­son. Prooob­a­bly some unmet need that requires your atten­tion.

So give it to him or her! No puk­ing, no swal­low­ing, just your atten­tion. Real­ly lis­ten­ing is often the best first step to actu­al­ly start think­ing dif­fer­ent­ly in order to start behav­ing in a dif­fer­ent way, which invites new expe­ri­ences in our life and in turn cre­ates new feel­ings that then change us to a com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent per­son than we were before.

Repetion, repetion, repetion until they become want­ed automa­tisms that rule our life — because now we con­scious­ly chosed so.

Seing it that way, this process can actu­al­ly be fun. With patience and per­se­ver­ance we can mold our­selves into who­ev­er we want to be.

And if all of that doesn´t work?

Well then, go puke. It can actu­al­ly be quite free­ing some­times.

but only some­times.

then go back to mold­ing.








sch(m)erzen only

und bäng er hat begonnen,

das vierte Monat im Jahr.

wieso er mit ein Scherz begin­nt,

das ist mir noch nicht klar.


vielle­icht ist dies zum auflock­ern,

als Start in diese Zeit.

wo man sel­ten genau weiß,

ob es heiß wird oder schneit.


er fängt schon mal nicht schlecht an,

bewölkt bei 17 Grad.

doch am Fre­itag solls schon reg­nen,

so bleibts bes­timmt nicht fad.


und wie war das Jahr bish­er?

alle recht zufrieden?

pläne sind schon umge­set­zt?

oder doch nur meist ver­mieden?


starten kann man immer,

ger­ade im April.

denn mit Sonne läuft sich´s bess­er,

auch wenn man nicht will.


und wenns doch mal hart wird,

solch´ Zeit­en gibt es immer.

dann greif ein­fach zur Flasche,

zumin­d­est wirds nicht schlim­mer.


ja ja ich weiß,

das war natür­lich ein Scherz

aber ist auch sehr erlaubt,

wie haben ja nicht mehr März.


das Jahr verge­ht so schnell,

wie jedes schon davor.

und doch geht’s noch ras­an­ter,

da ver­lässt mich mein Humor.


ich will ein­mal so leben,

ohne Sor­gen was wäre wenn.

pro­bieren und wieder löschen,

nicht nur wenn ich penn.


und was wenn ich genau,

dies ein­fach jet­zt riskiere.

tue was mir gefällt,

und alles quer pro­biere?


mor­gen kön­nt ich losle­gen,

ein­fach damit starten.

is ja nur aus Spaß,

mehr will ich nicht erwarten.


und wenn ihr mor­gen auf­ste­ht,

denkt dabei an eines,

das ganze Leben ist ein Sch(m)erz,

und auch ganz was feines 😉