a leash, a couch and trust issues.

Imag­ine you have a dog. Your favourite breed of all. A beau­ti­ful, cute, play­ful dog who is well-behaved and lis­tens to you.
It´s spring time and the sun is final­ly com­ing out again. A beau­ti­ful warm day and you decide to go to this huge park your dog loves so much.
You get there, you tell your dog to sit, and you gen­tly take off his leash.
Your dog waits for your com­mand and as soon as you give him a „go“, he runs off into the wide green open space in front you.

Even as a non dog-own­er, I can imag­ine how see­ing your dog run­ning through a field must feel like.
Free, con­tent, and so joy­ful in this moment. Just by watch­ing your dog hav­ing the time of his life, like he´s run­ning for the first time, you feel the same.

How­ev­er, doing so requires a good amount of trust. You wouldn´t take off his leash if you doubt­ed he´ll come back to you again. With­out train­ing him before­hand you wouldn´t be able to let him expe­ri­ence this kind of free­dom and play­time with oth­er dogs. He might take off, won´t stop play­ing (or fight­ing) with oth­er dogs, or even bite a run­ner pass­ing by.

But.. you invest­ed this time in him and in you. To cre­ate a bond that is strong and safe for both of you to expe­ri­ence those bliss­ful moments.
He can have a so much bet­ter life­qual­i­ty – thanks to you.
Thanks to your will­ing­ness to dis­ci­pline your dog, you can let him go and not fear he might dis­ap­pear.

You can count on him and he can count on you. (awwww).

And you?

Can you count on you?

Or in oth­er words:

How well-trained is your dog?

And yes you do have one.

Not the one you just imag­ined.

But the one in your mind that likes to do all kind of stu­pid stuff.
Just like a dog, we have needs and urges we pref­ere­bly don´t wan­na fight against.
We are pulled to sit on the couch, when we know we should work out, we are pulled to eat piz­za, when we know a green plate will make us feel bet­ter and we are pulled to scroll over instra­gram for the hun­dreds time, when we know we should con­tin­ue to work on our project.
Basi­cal­ly we wan­na sleep, eat and have fun, just like dog.
It´s easy and com­fort­able and requires no effort.
But we also know that in the long-term it makes us feel mis­er­able, deplet­ed and depressed.

With a mis­be­haved dog you won´t be able to take off the leash and his muz­zle.
You sim­ply can­not con­trol his behav­iour with­out that restric­tion.
Just like peo­ple. Some need to keep all the choco­late cook­ies out of the house, because they can­not be trust­ed with them.

Our needs and wants can turn into crav­ings that do what­ev­er it takes to sat­is­fy them – so we basi­cal­ly run away from our­selves to go get that „thing“.

How can we pos­si­bly trust our­selves, if call­ing us back rarely works?

And to ask fur­ther…

If I can´t trust myself, how am I ever able to let myself go after any­thing? With­out a cer­tain lev­el of self-trust how am I ever able to DO any­thing?
I wouldn´t be able to get into my car, start the engine and dri­ve 120km/h shar­ing the same road with hun­dreds of oth­er dri­vers.
I wouldn´t even be able to cut my veg­eta­bles in small pieces to make a deli­cious din­ner for myself.

Think about it, you do all the things you do dai­ly because you bring a cer­tain lev­el of self-trust into the per­for­mance. I mean you trust your­self that you won´t cut your fin­gers while cut­ting those carrots..do you?

On the oth­er hand, you could ask your­self..

What am I NOT doing, because I don´t trust myself?
What am I miss­ing out in life because of my lack of self-trust?
Maybe you don´t start that busi­ness or project because you don´t trust in your own capa­bil­i­ties.
Maybe you don´t ask your boss for a raise, because you can´t trust your lev­el of con­fi­dence to stand up for your­self.
Maybe you don´t enter that rela­tion­ship because you can´t even com­mit to your­self.
Maybe you don´t join that hip hop class, because you don´t trust in your abil­i­ty to con­nect with oth­ers. (It´s most­ly not about the activ­i­ty itself, but rather the social aspect – „will I be accept­ed by the tribe?“).

It is safe to say that in order to expe­ri­ence all of that, we need to build a cer­tain lev­el of trust with­in our­selves.
Often­times, by just doing it and fig­ur­ing it out on the way we learn to trust our­selves more and more.

BUT, as dogs, we learn and build trust through rep­e­ti­tion.
And repi­ti­tion requires a cer­tain lev­el of com­mit­ment and dis­ci­pline.

We need to cre­ate rou­tines and habits so that the new behav­iour becomes sec­ond nature.
We basi­cal­ly need to train our mind to lis­ten to us, to fol­low our com­mand.
Just as we would train our dog to do so.

Who doesn´t have that voice that con­stant­ly tells you to eat health­i­er, to work out, to work on that project, to have this dif­fi­cult con­ver­sa­tion, to read that book, to start that cook­ing class, etc. etc.
But you don´t, or you start and stop. Or you kin­da do it, but not real­ly, just to trick your­self that you are not that big of a los­er..

We wan­na run away from that voice in the back of our mind – just like a dog who keeps run­ning away and doesn´t care if his own­er screams his name for the hun­dreds time. Why?

Because he has no respect for him. He learned that he gets away with it. Noth­ing real bad hap­pened so far, so why not con­tin­ue have fun?

And we trained our­selves the same way. We don´t keep our word. We com­mit­ted our­selves to do smth, but didn´t fol­low through. We´ve told our­selves not to do some­thing, but did it any­way, with­out real­iz­ing that we are pro­gram­ming our­selves with a belief that life goes on with­out any real bad con­se­quences – you know..that ugly „grey zone“, where it´s uncom­fort­able, but not uncom­fort­able aka painful enough to actu­al­ly make that change..

We are lit­er­al­ly rebelling against our own self-inter­est. We are reject­ing what is actu­al­ly sup­port­ing our self-esteem and self-trust.

The result?

We lose self-respect. And that can be hard to admit.
Because we know how shit­ty that feels to not be respect­ed by oth­ers.
But turn­ing our own back against our our­selves? That´s like we make us to our own worst ene­my..

So how do we actu­al­ly start keep­ing those promis­es we tell our­selves…
How do we cre­ate an envi­ron­ment where our dog aka our inner rebel, actu­al­ly can run and have the time of his life, but also lis­tens and obeys as soon as we – the own­er – call him.

Basi­cal­ly it requires two things: hon­esty and discipline/commitment.

We need to get real­ly fuck­ing hon­est with our­selves…
What´s impor­tant to us, what do we want to achieve, how do we wan­na feel and what kind of per­son do we actu­al­ly want to become?

And with that we cre­ate struc­ture and a set of rules and rou­tines in order to achieve that new state or goal.
And since dogs, as we know, just wan­na eat, sleep and play all day, the leash comes in very handy.. espe­cial­ly in the begin­ning.

Because he will try to escape.. the world is too tempt­ing.
So.. KNOW his (your) trig­gers.

Train­ing means you have to take your­self on the leash and pull your­self back from doing things you don´t wan­na do. But it also means tak­ing your­self to places, activ­i­ties and peo­ple you do want to expe­ri­ence. Some­times you just got­ta pull your­self into the right direc­tion with that fuck­ing leash.

However…a dog does pull as well.

In his direc­tion.

And it can be exhaust­ing to con­stant­ly pull against your dogs own will, when he just won´t calm down.
Some­times it´s best to just take off the leash and let him do what­ev­er he so bad­ly wants to do.
No scream­ing, no run­ning after him.
Even­tu­al­ly he will come back stinky and full of dirt, hap­py to be tak­en care of again.

Let­ting go means los­ing con­trol, which can be an extreme­ly scary thing to do. You don´t know if things will work out. It´s learn­ing to trust, when you sim­ply don´t have trust.

When you stop resist­ing that pull (that voice), you give your­self per­mis­sion to trust your­self again.
It´s this, „I trust you when you trust me thing“.

Train­ing is hard work. You got­ta be strict and bru­tal­ly hon­est, but also let go and not for­get to reward yourself,…oh well.

Point is:
Through train­ing we learn to keep our­selves account­able – in oth­er words, we learn to stay true to what we said we would do or not do.
Only then do we start to build self-trust again and actu­al­ly gain back that respect for our­selves.

And the moment we can trust our­selves again, is the moment we can safe­ly take off that leash and run into the wide open space of free­dom and pos­si­bil­i­ties, with­out that noice in the back scream­ing and demand­ing all kinds of things of us.
The dog has proven over and over again that he does what we say. Now we trust him. And in turn, the free­dom we give him is the best thing he could ever ask for.

We can only grasp what´s on the oth­er side of dis­ci­pline and dis­com­fort.
It´s not an easy train­ing to go through.

But would you rather live life for­ev­er on a leash, drag­ging your own­er uncon­trol­lably around try­ing to taste life as much as pos­si­ble, while hav­ing that con­stant scream­ing voice in your ears?


train. and unleash the [read dog back­wards] with­in you.

Or buy one.

Every time you ask him how you look, he´ll say „WAU!“

and some­times that´s all you need to hear.

lieber Alkohol, …

ich erin­nere mich gern an dich. Denn das schlimm­ste weiß ich ohne­hin nicht mehr.

Und das ist gut so.

Dacht ich immer.

Aber dann fragte ich mich: Was ist gut daran, sich an etwas nicht erin­nern zu kön­nen?

Wie oft ich mir Geschicht­en so manch­er Nächte über Drit­ten mit zuge­drück­tem Auge anhören musste.
Wie oft ich mich sel­ber fragte, was ich denn stun­den­lang in Anwe­sen­heit selb­st zuge­dröh­n­ter Men­schen wohl von mir gegeben habe.
Und wie oft ich selb­st laange über­legte, was zwis­chen Tanzein­heit­en und das näch­ste Bier holen wohl geschehen sein möge.

Wenn ich wen anderes fra­gen muss, ob ich denn Spaß hat­te..
..hört der Spaß auf.

Wieso befördern wir uns mit liter­weise Spritzer und Bier vor 12 ins Knock­out, wenn uns am näch­sten Tag ein Gefühl der Ungewis­sheit und Frag­würdigkeit mit ein­er ergiebi­gen Por­tion an Pochen an der linken Schläfe plagt?

Warum sagen wir uns an jedem Tag danach „nie wieder“, wenn wir ins­ge­heim wis­sen, wo wir uns näch­sten Sam­stag wiederfind­en,
und mit wem an der, sry — in der Hand.

Alko­hol, du hast eine Gabe Men­schen zusam­men­zubrin­gen. Denn du weißt genau, wonach sich jed­er von uns sehnt. Du weißt, was wir wollen und vor allem was wir brauchen.
Du löst in uns ein Zus­tand der Sor­glosigkeit, der Unbeküm­mertheit aus und ver­sorgst uns mit einem Lachen im Gesicht, welch­es nicht sel­ten auch unseren Bauch durch­dringt.

Wie kön­nen wir dir jemals untreu sein, wenn mit dir unsere Welt ein kleines biss­chen erträglich­er wird. Auch wenn nur für den Moment, für den Abend oder die Nacht.

Doch der Mor­gen kommt. Und die Kopf­schmerzen lassen uns eben­falls nicht im Stich.
So manch­er steckt es gut weg. So ander­er liegt für 2 Tage flach.

Du meinst es nur gut, das ist mir schon klar. Und ich ver­steh dein Motiv, dein Anliegen, dein Zweck. Aber wie kann etwas so gut tun, und gle­ichzeit­ig so schlecht?
Ich möchte nichts mis­sen, das ist meine Angst. Doch wenn ich dich lasse, geht vielle­icht mehr als ich will.
Mit was stoß ich an, wenn nicht mal mit Kräuter­schnaps? Und wie halt ich aus, was ich nun nüchtern ertra­gen muss?

Du bringst mich in ein Dilem­ma. Wie eine Droge die mich fes­thält.
Fes­thält an Erin­nerun­gen von damals, und diese die noch kom­men.

Ich will das eine und das andere. Geht das denn nicht? Denn ich will nichts opfern, was ich ohne­hin so oft ver­miss.

Wir leben in ein­er Gesellschaft, die das Leben um dich feiert. Geburt­stage, Hochzeit­en und Abschlussfeiern, deine Präsenz riecht man immer.
Und auch beim abendlichen Ausklang (for no rea­son at all) „ein Gläschen gefäl­lig?“ ..aber so wie wir nun mal sind, find­en wir immer einen Grund.
Und wenn wir einen Raum betreten, sei es eine Par­ty oder ein Event, dann laufen wir als erstes zu dir (nach dem Klo), denn was du uns gibt, ist ein Gefühl der Sicher­heit… mir dir ste­hen wir nicht allein.

Du siehst, ich will dich nicht nur trinken, son­dern auch vom Schreiben komm ich nicht los von dir.

Vielle­icht muss ich ein­se­hen, dass wir zwei für immer eine Hass-Liebe Beziehung führen wer­den.
Der Abend voll Liebe, der Mor­gen voll Hass.

Und doch frage ich mich: Sind denn nicht die besten Dinge im Leben auch von bei­dem erfüllt?

Solang diese Tra­di­tion, unsere Gläs­er mir dir zu erheben,
und solang wir zusam­men­schweißend „zam zam zam“ rufen, um die Freude am Leben zu feiern…
…Solange werde ich mit dir, liebe Sub­stanz chemis­ch­er Verbindun­gen die eine Hydroxy-Gruppe enthält, noch vie­len weit­ere Erin­nerun­gen teilen.

Aber damit diese Erin­nerun­gen auch wirk­lich welche wer­den, und nicht im Sumpf des Unter­be­wusst­seins für immer ver­schwinden, sehe ich mich dazu ver­an­lasst, 2 aus 5 Getränken mit dein­er Schwest­er H²0 auszu­tauschen.
Um dem mal opti­mistisch her­anzuge­hen.

Und wer weiß…vielleicht wer­den von nun an alle feier-würdi­gen Tage von mehr getra­gen, als nur von dir.

Denn wie schön sind geteilte Momente mit Men­schen die man feiert, wenn man sich an jedes Wort, welch­es uns zum lachen brachte, erin­nert?

Und wie schön ist es, am näch­sten Tag auf­ste­hen zu kön­nen,
ohne Schmerz und ohne Übel, und den Tag nicht nur aus der Couch-Per­spek­tive zu erleben?

..oder im Stande zu sein, mit seinen Lieben weit­er­feiern zu kön­nen 😉


the fast and the feast

So, I just fin­ished a 90 hours fast.

To get a bet­ter pic­ture: that´s close to 4 days with­out food — just water and tea.
I intend­ed to do it no longer or short­er, because for me this length seems quite man­age­able and gives a great amount of ben­e­fits with­out „over­do­ing“ it.
Well…it´s been only near­ly 4 days but the phas­es you go through while fast­ing are quite „inter­est­ing“.

Let me guide you through them..

Day 1: not that hun­gry til mid-day, a lit­tle moody, kind of impa­tient already, but over­all ok.

Day 2: „Why the fuck am I doing this shit?! I´m gonna break it, I´m gonna quit, I just gonna do it anoth­er time when I´m more busy and more dis­tract­ed! How can being pissed, rest­less and annoyed be health­i­er than fast­ing any­way? That´s it, tonight I´m gonna eat my scram­bled eggs with spinach and mush­rooms“ (that´s pret­ty much all I had in my fridge).
Don´t ask me how I made it through day 2, because I can´t even count how many times I bat­tled with thoughts of quit­ting and how many excus­es have cir­cled my mind – buu­ut some­thing in me some­how resist­ed to eat.
So I didn´t.

I decid­ed to break the fast the next day instead..

Day 3: I woke up. and felt..kinda good.
I imme­di­ate­ly decid­ed, nope I´m not going to break my fast today. I gonna make it through those 90 hours! I went for a run and actu­al­ly had great ener­gy, but then again..I also felt exhaust­ed after 15 min­utes.
By now my body has adjust­ed get­ting its ener­gy dif­fer­ent­ly with the result of me feel­ing bet­ter in my head with more steady ener­gy lev­els.

It´s pret­ty com­mon that the first two days suck. They are def­i­nite­ly the hard­est and worst.
If you can make it through the first 48 hours, you already made it half way through – even if you decide to fast for 10 days.

Day 4: „I actu­al­ly could go on…“
I real­ly thought this. My ener­gy got even bet­ter, I was more sharp and more moti­vat­ed (okay I was also look­ing for­ward to eat again that day).
But it real­ly did feel like I could go on for anoth­er few days.

How­ev­er, I´m not too much into longer fasts, even though chal­leng­ing myself to do a 5 day one seems quite appeal­ing (yea until day 2 starts..).

And maaan, does it feel good to eat again. You real­ly do appre­ci­ate food much more, its taste, its smell, and just being able to chew again.

So and with what did I break it?

I didn´t go for the whole fruit or juice thing, nope. After 4 days it´s usu­al­ly ok to go for smth more sub­stan­tial, at least for me. Every­one is dif­fer­ent.
So I made some eggs (there they are;) with some mush­room and spinach (of course), some cucum­ber aaand drum drum…beef liv­er.
Just because it´s deli­cious.

Fast­ing – espe­cial­ly dur­ing the first cou­ple of days — feels like you´re wait­ing…
wait­ing until you can eat again.
wait­ing until your life becomes nor­mal again.
and wait­ing until you can par­tic­i­pate in nor­mal things again, like going to a cafe with­out hav­ing to order tea…I mean who drinks tea in a cafe?
It´s. just. not. the. same.

So yea every­one goes through dif­fer­ent stuff, and some fasts can be eas­i­er than the oth­ers.
After hav­ing done it a few times before, 2 of which hap­pened last year. I can say that with this one I had to push through much hard­er.
I believe because I didn´t need to go to work. Being prop­er­ly occu­pied takes a lot of thought bat­tling away, and before you real­ize it, it´s bed­time and the next day is about to start. Some peo­ple pre­fer rest­ing.
I dis­trac­tion.

So yea, this was my first 90 hours fast expe­ri­ence this year.
Now I´m gonna show (or rather explain) you why I´m actu­al­ly doing this to me. And I bet after read­ing this, you gonna think about doing it as well;)


Fast­ing is stress.

Do I have you on board already?


Well, yes fast­ing is stress for the body, no ques­tion. But so is exer­cis­ing. The mus­cles while strength train­ing are torn. They need to be under stress in order to rebuild them­selves again. That´s how they get stronger.

Same goes with fast­ing.

First­ly, it makes your immune sys­tem stronger and more resilient.


While fast­ing your body goes into sur­vival mode and tries to save ener­gy. It does it, amongst oth­er things, by get­ting ener­gy from oth­er sources than it nor­mal­ly would. One way is to recy­cle a lot of the immune cells that are not need­ed or even dam­aged. It´s like, only the strongest and fittest sur­vive;)

Basi­cal­ly your cells are going to start regen­er­at­ing, which leads to them replac­ing old cells with new and health­i­er ones.
Yes at first the num­ber of white blood cells go down while fast­ing, but when you start to refeed again, stem cells are acti­vat­ed and start to pump out new ones.
Fast­ing is lit­er­al­ly reset­ing your entire immune sys­tem, mak­ing you more resilient to tox­ins, bac­te­rias, free rad­i­cals etc. than before.

Anoth­er great ben­e­fit of fast­ing is the increase of human growth hor­mones, which plays an impor­tant role in growth, metab­o­lism and mus­cle strength. Some ath­letes out there take sup­ple­ments to inhance their human growth hor­mones, because it speeds up recov­ery time, helps to build mus­cle faster and burns fat faster! So why not do it the health­i­er, more nat­ur­al and also more chal­leng­ing way! (you know.. strength­en­ing your willpow­er is not a bad thing either..).
Fur­ther­more the boost in human growth hor­mone enhances col­la­gen pro­duc­tion (for healthy nails, hair, skin and joints), and also improves bone den­si­tiy. Oh and just so you know..it´s also called the anti-aging hor­mone.
So yea..we def­i­nite­ly want more of that.

My favourite ben­e­fit of fast­ing is actu­al­ly its effect on aut­phagy.
As humans we need to elim­i­nate waste from our body… well, so do our cells. They need to get rid of their waste and con­stant­ly restore them­selves in order to per­form opti­maly. Autophagy is basi­cal­ly the cell recy­cling and refresh­ing itself and fast­ing turns on this process immen­seve­ly, because now, with­out any food, the body has time to do so.

When you are in a con­stant feed modus, the body is main­ly occu­pied with all the food you con­sume, digest­ing it as fast as it can, before the next load comes in. (btw, that´s why we lose our appetite when we are sick, because our body needs the ener­gy to fight off bac­te­ria and get healthy again).

Autophagy is also a rea­son why prop­er sleep for exam­ple is so cru­cial. Dur­ing that time our bod­ies actu­al­ly do all the repair­ing and restor­ing, mak­ing us ready for the next day.
However..nowadays with the amount of stress we are con­front­ed or put on our­selves, the food we eat (or not eat), the alco­hol we con­sume, the con­stant snack­ing dur­ing the day and til late in the evening, as well as lack of sleep itself, makes this clean­ing process of the cells hard­er and hard­er and this comes with a bunch of con­se­quences.
From fatigue and diges­tive issues, to autoim­mune dis­eases and oth­er severe phys­i­cal but also men­tal ill­ness­es. It shows up dif­fer­ent­ly for every­one.

And since we talk about stress… fast­ing does help here as well, because you will be improv­ing your body´s gen­er­al resis­tance to stress in the long-run.
Expos­ing your body to dif­fer­ent kind of stres­sors such as excer­sic­ing, cold show­ers, sauna or fast­ing makes your body, as said, more resilient and there­fore more capa­ble in deal­ing with life´s ongo­ing stres­sors.

There are so many more great ben­e­fits to fast­ing and I´m not going to cov­er them all here (feel free to look them up) BUT, one last impor­tant one I want to men­tion is its effect on our brain.
While fast­ing the pro­duc­tion of a pro­tein called brain-derived neu­rotroph­ic fac­tor (BDNF) is stim­u­lat­ed, which plays a crit­i­cal role in mem­o­ry, learn­ing, and gen­er­ates new nerve cells! Fur­ther­more it makes neu­rons more resistent to stress.
The process of autophagy that I men­tioned ealier, does not only apply to the cells in our blood or liv­er or skin…obviously the same goes for our brain with all its awe­some regen­er­at­ing ben­e­fits (ok I hope this was the last time I used the word ben­e­fit here……damned!).

To sum it up…with fast­ing we give the body the oppor­tu­ni­ty to lit­er­al­ly heal itself by killing off aka starv­ing all the old and unhealthy cells, includ­ing autoim­mune cells and even can­cer cells, mak­ing the immune sys­tem stronger than before.

Fast­ing is an expe­ri­ence that is men­tal­ly, emo­tion­al­ly and phys­i­cal­ly chal­leng­ing.
But at the same time reward­ing on so many lev­els.

The best part of all?

Your first meal after your fast.

because believe me…

…even mush­rooms and spinach turn into a feast.


when you feel something …

… that you believe is stu­pid to feel, because it´s for the weak, for the imma­ture or belongs to the „past you“..

Some­thing you may think you should be „over“ by now and not be trig­gered any­more..

Well then, sor­ry to say that, but you are way behind in life.

No of course not.

Well a lit­tle bit.

But guess what, as adults we are still bom­bard­ed with those needs, wants and desires that are ingrained in us.

Remem­ber when you were a kid? Want­i­ng some­thing right now and only now?

Or as Teenagers, think­ing we are right, always and with every­thing?

These feel­ings still show up, even if now in a dif­fer­ent set­ting and to a dif­fer­ent indi­vid­ual extent.

Part of grow­ing up, is becom­ing aware of our dai­ly automa­tisms and ways of react­ing that rule our life, if we let it. (So actu­al­ly grow­ing up is nev­er quite fin­ished, but yea…).

Becom­ing aware of your way of deal­ing with feel­ings, like when you feel frus­trat­ed because you have an ongo­ing pain in your body,
or feel­ing impa­tient because you need an answer or expla­na­tion for someone´s behav­iour, like now.
or feel­ing lone­ly, because you have no one to con­nect to,
or feel­ing anx­ious because you are sit­ting on a pile of debts..

Most peo­ple react in a way that tries to make these feel­ings go away, as quick­ly as pos­si­ble.
It´s like we are sit­ting on ice, wait­ing for the ice to melt, but all we get is a fuck­ing cold ass.

Until it´s numb.
Well now we keep sit­ting on the cold with­out feel­ing any­thing any­more.

This hap­pens more often than we think in sit­u­a­tions where we are feel­ing some­thing we don´t wan­na feel.
And we start to unpack one of our, over the years, well tried out strate­gies, that we prob­a­bly know haven´t worked in the past, but at least we know how they will turn out. (You know, cer­tain­ty first..).

We either aggres­sive­ly force the result we want (remem­ber that child you were…I WANT MY BANANA ICE CREAM NOW!!)

Or we pre­tend and tell our­selves, „heyyyyy..it´s all goood, I can deal with that. I´m a mature, smart, grown up per­son that knows how to deal with life chal­lenges thrown at my face over and over and over again.. Aaaal­ll goooood. Real­ly!


See, these two strate­gies are either puk­ing it all out or swal­low­ing it down – over and over again (btw, the puke lands on you).

Some­times we even con­fuse these two. We say to our­selves, „ok, I´m going take the more com­pas­sion­ate road“. Maybe we have the urge to puk.. ah sor­ry I mean to defend our­selves, but then we decide to do things the „mature“ way and try to make the impres­sion (for us and oth­ers) that we have it all togeth­er.

Sor­ry but even a rac­coon mung­ing on the most deli­cious bug can smell your pas­siv-aggres­sive­ness.
Yes even the rac­coon that lives in the far far away for­est in which you are not.

Ok back to my point.

There is a fine line between real­ly sit­ting with a feel­ing and think­ing you are okey with a feel­ing.
The one is allow­ing it to be there, you actu­al­ly feel that shit­ty feel­ing. The oth­er is coat­ing it with a good feel­ing — so you (seem­ing­ly) feel bet­ter.

You either go for pain now and plea­sure lat­er, or good feel­ing now and pain lat­er.

This goes for a lot of deci­sions we make in life. Some have better/or worse con­se­quences than oth­ers.
Med­i­ta­tion for exam­ple can be a pain in the ass – our mind is just not made for still­ness. But we ben­e­fit from it more than we think. The biggest one? We get bet­ter in man­ag­ing our nev­er-end­ing waves of feel­ings in life aka we stop sit­ting on cold ice. (yes there is also warm ice, didn´t know?).

So that feel­ing you don´t wan­na feel…because it´s stu­pid and imma­ture and exhaust­ing and frus­trat­ing and all the things you don´t wan­na feel..
..yes maybe it is annoy­ing to feel this feel­ing and yes maybe it is stu­pid, because you should get the hang of it by now. But you don´t. We are humans. It takes some time to adapt, to change a behav­iour or a way of think­ing, espe­cial­ly when we are used to do things a cer­tain way for a long time.

Some peo­ple are used to get pissed all the time, or to react mad, or feel lone­ly, basi­cal­ly to feel pain. Do they want to feel that?


Well, do you call that stu­pid?


But as I said, we peo­ple pre­fer to do things that are known, cer­tain and famil­iar (thx brain), even if that means hav­ing a numb cold ass.

We have to start treat­ing our unwant­ed feel­ings like a kid that screams for atten­tion. „Oh hey there sad feel­ing, what´s going on? What do you want, what do you need?“ Sounds pret­ty weird…but that uncom­fort­able feel­ing is there for a rea­son. Prooob­a­bly some unmet need that requires your atten­tion.

So give it to him or her! No puk­ing, no swal­low­ing, just your atten­tion. Real­ly lis­ten­ing is often the best first step to actu­al­ly start think­ing dif­fer­ent­ly in order to start behav­ing in a dif­fer­ent way, which invites new expe­ri­ences in our life and in turn cre­ates new feel­ings that then change us to a com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent per­son than we were before.

Repetion, repetion, repetion until they become want­ed automa­tisms that rule our life — because now we con­scious­ly chosed so.

Seing it that way, this process can actu­al­ly be fun. With patience and per­se­ver­ance we can mold our­selves into who­ev­er we want to be.

And if all of that doesn´t work?

Well then, go puke. It can actu­al­ly be quite free­ing some­times.

but only some­times.

then go back to mold­ing.