… that you believe is stupid to feel, because it´s for the weak, for the immature or belongs to the „past you“..
Something you may think you should be „over“ by now and not be triggered anymore..
Well then, sorry to say that, but you are way behind in life.
No of course not.
Well a little bit.
But guess what, as adults we are still bombarded with those needs, wants and desires that are ingrained in us.
Remember when you were a kid? Wanting something right now and only now?
Or as Teenagers, thinking we are right, always and with everything?
These feelings still show up, even if now in a different setting and to a different individual extent.
Part of growing up, is becoming aware of our daily automatisms and ways of reacting that rule our life, if we let it. (So actually growing up is never quite finished, but yea…).
Becoming aware of your way of dealing with feelings, like when you feel frustrated because you have an ongoing pain in your body,
or feeling impatient because you need an answer or explanation for someone´s behaviour, like now.
or feeling lonely, because you have no one to connect to,
or feeling anxious because you are sitting on a pile of debts..
Most people react in a way that tries to make these feelings go away, as quickly as possible.
It´s like we are sitting on ice, waiting for the ice to melt, but all we get is a fucking cold ass.
Until it´s numb.
Well now we keep sitting on the cold without feeling anything anymore.
This happens more often than we think in situations where we are feeling something we don´t wanna feel.
And we start to unpack one of our, over the years, well tried out strategies, that we probably know haven´t worked in the past, but at least we know how they will turn out. (You know, certainty first..).
We either aggressively force the result we want (remember that child you were…I WANT MY BANANA ICE CREAM NOW!!)
Or we pretend and tell ourselves, „heyyyyy..it´s all goood, I can deal with that. I´m a mature, smart, grown up person that knows how to deal with life challenges thrown at my face over and over and over again.. Aaaalll goooood. Really!
See, these two strategies are either puking it all out or swallowing it down – over and over again (btw, the puke lands on you).
Sometimes we even confuse these two. We say to ourselves, „ok, I´m going take the more compassionate road“. Maybe we have the urge to puk.. ah sorry I mean to defend ourselves, but then we decide to do things the „mature“ way and try to make the impression (for us and others) that we have it all together.
Sorry but even a raccoon munging on the most delicious bug can smell your passiv-aggressiveness.
Yes even the raccoon that lives in the far far away forest in which you are not.
Ok back to my point.
There is a fine line between really sitting with a feeling and thinking you are okey with a feeling.
The one is allowing it to be there, you actually feel that shitty feeling. The other is coating it with a good feeling — so you (seemingly) feel better.
You either go for pain now and pleasure later, or good feeling now and pain later.
This goes for a lot of decisions we make in life. Some have better/or worse consequences than others.
Meditation for example can be a pain in the ass – our mind is just not made for stillness. But we benefit from it more than we think. The biggest one? We get better in managing our never-ending waves of feelings in life aka we stop sitting on cold ice. (yes there is also warm ice, didn´t know?).
So that feeling you don´t wanna feel…because it´s stupid and immature and exhausting and frustrating and all the things you don´t wanna feel..
..yes maybe it is annoying to feel this feeling and yes maybe it is stupid, because you should get the hang of it by now. But you don´t. We are humans. It takes some time to adapt, to change a behaviour or a way of thinking, especially when we are used to do things a certain way for a long time.
Some people are used to get pissed all the time, or to react mad, or feel lonely, basically to feel pain. Do they want to feel that?
Well, do you call that stupid?
But as I said, we people prefer to do things that are known, certain and familiar (thx brain), even if that means having a numb cold ass.
We have to start treating our unwanted feelings like a kid that screams for attention. „Oh hey there sad feeling, what´s going on? What do you want, what do you need?“ Sounds pretty weird…but that uncomfortable feeling is there for a reason. Prooobably some unmet need that requires your attention.
So give it to him or her! No puking, no swallowing, just your attention. Really listening is often the best first step to actually start thinking differently in order to start behaving in a different way, which invites new experiences in our life and in turn creates new feelings that then change us to a completely different person than we were before.
Repetion, repetion, repetion until they become wanted automatisms that rule our life — because now we consciously chosed so.
Seing it that way, this process can actually be fun. With patience and perseverance we can mold ourselves into whoever we want to be.
And if all of that doesn´t work?
Well then, go puke. It can actually be quite freeing sometimes.
but only sometimes.
then go back to molding.