self-reflection in progress

follow your deep.

Where is my lust for life. The want­i­ng to do. The urg­ing to achieve. I write, and it gets re-writ­ten. I ask, and it gets declined.

What am I here for, when noth­ing gets done. What am I dream­ing for, when my belief gets lost with­out direction.

Who wants to lis­ten, if I don’t even lis­ten to myself. My own world is against me. And all that is seen, is a facade that is rest­ing in its own mourning.

I´m not inter­est­ed. I´m not inter­est­ed. In you. In what you do. Or who your are. They say.
They are afraid of going deep. Because deep can be sad, deep can be uncer­tain. Deep can be unpleas­ant­ly sur­pris­ing and unwill­ing­ly painful. Deep is a mys­te­ri­ous walk into the unknown.

But I want deep. I want the ground and look into the most hid­den places we car­ry with­in. Only through dig­ging will we get to the core.

But what is the core?

Core is, and means heart. It is there where truth resides, mean­ing is build and bruis­es are healed. But none of this mat­ters if we shy away from its shell, that is too ago­niz­ing to look at and too tor­tur­ous to be felt.
And by turn­ing away we for­get what it real­ly is. We deny what we real­ly want. And we accept it, for what it only seems to be.

We don’t under­stand, that by dis­tanc­ing our­selves we are cre­at­ing a void that is not only felt in us, but in oth­ers. This void can­not be filled by seek­ing approval, val­i­da­tion, sub­stances or atten­tion. It can nev­er be filled by things that the soul can­not digest.

Know that, no one wants do be used to fill a hole that can nev­er be sat­is­fied. No one wants to give, what can­not be trea­sured. And no one wants to love, when it goes to waste.
So why then would you want to take, what you can­not hold?

Prac­tice. prac­tice hold­ing your­self. Fill up your void with what it needs. Fill up that space inside of you that is yearn­ing for a love no one can com­pre­hend.
It feels impos­si­ble, it feels unfair and it feels like you are being eat­en from the inside.

Feed it. Feed it like it is rip­ping off your skin. Your soul was scream­ing from hunger for so long.
Scream­ing for you to say I´m sor­ry, scream­ing for you to say I need­ed you! Scream­ing for you to fuck off!
Scream­ing for you to spend time in nature, to start paint­ing, to start that project, to be hugged. to breathe, to …

Scream­ing for you to care.

And it’s hard. It’s hard if no one else does. Not in the way you need it.
But don’t wait. Don’t wait, for some­one else to hold you. Because hold­ing your­self is ulti­mate­ly the most beau­ti­ful feel­ing you can ever expe­ri­ence. The feel­ing of not need­ing to rely on any­one. Because you now know how to fill up your tank.
It will emp­ty some­times. And that is ok. We need that void. We need it, because it is a place from which we cre­ate. A place from which we con­nect with our­selves.

So use it. Use your void, because it is filled with lim­it­less pos­si­bil­i­ties that you just can´t see yet.
Fill it by using it. And you will soon see how your core will slow­ly come out of its shell.
Like a snail that feels most alive when it rained, will your core come out, when tears have been shed.

Don´t resist the pain. Even if you fear it. Because it is the only way to the know­ing. The only way going deep. And the only way to find your lust for life.

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