self-reflection in progress

follow your deep.

Where is my lust for life. The wanting to do. The urging to achieve. I write, and it gets re-written. I ask, and it gets declined.

What am I here for, when nothing gets done. What am I dreaming for, when my belief gets lost without direction.

Who wants to listen, if I don’t even listen to myself. My own world is against me. And all that is seen, is a facade that is resting in its own mourning.

I´m not interested. I´m not interested. In you. In what you do. Or who your are. They say.
They are afraid of going deep. Because deep can be sad, deep can be uncertain. Deep can be unpleasantly surprising and unwillingly painful. Deep is a mysterious walk into the unknown.

But I want deep. I want the ground and look into the most hidden places we carry within. Only through digging will we get to the core.

But what is the core?

Core is, and means heart. It is there where truth resides, meaning is build and bruises are healed. But none of this matters if we shy away from its shell, that is too agonizing to look at and too torturous to be felt.
And by turning away we forget what it really is. We deny what we really want. And we accept it, for what it only seems to be.

We don’t understand, that by distancing ourselves we are creating a void that is not only felt in us, but in others. This void cannot be filled by seeking approval, validation, substances or attention. It can never be filled by things that the soul cannot digest.

Know that, no one wants do be used to fill a hole that can never be satisfied. No one wants to give, what cannot be treasured. And no one wants to love, when it goes to waste.
So why then would you want to take, what you cannot hold?

Practice. practice holding yourself. Fill up your void with what it needs. Fill up that space inside of you that is yearning for a love no one can comprehend.
It feels impossible, it feels unfair and it feels like you are being eaten from the inside.

Feed it. Feed it like it is ripping off your skin. Your soul was screaming from hunger for so long.
Screaming for you to say I´m sorry, screaming for you to say I needed you! Screaming for you to fuck off!
Screaming for you to spend time in nature, to start painting, to start that project, to be hugged. to breathe, to …

Screaming for you to care.

And it’s hard. It’s hard if no one else does. Not in the way you need it.
But don’t wait. Don’t wait, for someone else to hold you. Because holding yourself is ultimately the most beautiful feeling you can ever experience. The feeling of not needing to rely on anyone. Because you now know how to fill up your tank.
It will empty sometimes. And that is ok. We need that void. We need it, because it is a place from which we create. A place from which we connect with ourselves.

So use it. Use your void, because it is filled with limitless possibilities that you just can´t see yet.
Fill it by using it. And you will soon see how your core will slowly come out of its shell.
Like a snail that feels most alive when it rained, will your core come out, when tears have been shed.

Don´t resist the pain. Even if you fear it. Because it is the only way to the knowing. The only way going deep. And the only way to find your lust for life.

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