self-reflection in progress

And you know what?

And maybe I´m just hurt.

Hurt that it hap­pened. Hurt that I can´t blame any­one.
Hurt that I don´t see the mean­ing behind it.
Hurt that I can­not change it.
Hurt that I have to accept it.

Accept what is so hard to under­stand. Accept what is so painful to carry.

It makes me angry.

Angry because it hap­pened. Angry because I can´t blame any­one.
Angry because I don´t see the mean­ing behind it.
Angry because I can­not change it.
Angry because I have to accept it.

Accept that it will nev­er be the same again. Accept that I have to accept it.

What if I don´t? What if I just don´t fuck­ing accept what life gives me? I don´t agree with life. This was a bad move. Why are you in con­trol any­way? THAT is not accept­able! If life takes some­thing away, at least it has to give back an expla­na­tion. Why would one go through pain, if they can´t make sense of it?

Oh, so you are say­ing, there is no deep­er rea­son? It just hap­pend because cir­cum­stances didn´t allow it to be as it was before? I have to accept it and all I get is, because of “cir­cum­stances”??
Amaz­ing. Life, real­ly. Great job in giv­ing humans what they need.
I can only laugh about it.

Except it´s not funny.

And you know that. This is one of the most painful things a human can go through, and all the infor­ma­tion you give.…..
is noth­ing.
Only our crazy minds that try to form their own meaning.

Is that what you want? You want each one of us to have our own lit­tle stu­pid mean­ings, even though they are not even true?
Because who says they are true? No one!
And as long they are not the actu­al truth, why both­er think­ing about a fuck­ing mean­ing anyway??

And voila, we´re come back to the begin­ning, dear Life.
That. it. hurts. Because there is no mean­ing to it. Noth­ing but ideas to think about for a day or two to make our­selves feel bet­ter.
And then it´s back to hurt.

Wait…
is hurt, the mean­ing?
Are you say­ing, hurt IS the mean­ing?

I AM HURT ENOUGH, THANK YOU!!

You don´t get it Life, right?

You leave us bleed­ing in our own hurt, until there is no strength any­more to hold the pain. We are FORCED to accept it. We don´t do it because we “want to”. No. Who wants some­thing they don´t want?
Right.

You just didn´t think it through, Life. Let me explain it to you one more time…if you hurt, you have to do good. It´s an exchange. You can­not just take some­thing with­out giv­ing back.

So now let me ask you.. what ARE you giv­ing back? For sure it´s not mean­ing, oth­er­wise I wouldn´t be writ­ing to you.

What is IT?
And DON´T say it´s “strength” that you are giving.

No? Noth­ing?

So, I have to fig­ure it out on my own, is that what you are saying? 

You know what?
I know why you say that. Because there is no ONE answer to that. Right?
Ok, I get it. But then let me ask you this: What is MY answer? Are you will­ing to give me THAT?

I knew you wouldn´t. You are the calmest exis­tence I´ve ever accoun­tered. Just still­ness. Leav­ing me with noth­ing but stillness.

I´ll tell you some­thing. If you don´t tell me IN THE NEAR FUTURE what my mean­ing is to this hurt, I real­ly real­ly, real­ly really.…

… real­ly won´t like you anymore.

There you have it. Do some­thing or accept that, Ha!

I´m going to stop now. Because I´m talk­ing to myself any­way.
And I´m going to wish you a GOOD DAY, even though I´m angry at you. And hurt. See, that´s called kind­ness. And com­mu­ni­ca­tion. C o m m u n i c a t i o n. Yes, you are allowed to talk to me.

“Talk” soon,

Me.

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