And maybe I´m just hurt.
Hurt that it happened. Hurt that I can´t blame anyone.
Hurt that I don´t see the meaning behind it.
Hurt that I cannot change it.
Hurt that I have to accept it.
Accept what is so hard to understand. Accept what is so painful to carry.
It makes me angry.
Angry because it happened. Angry because I can´t blame anyone.
Angry because I don´t see the meaning behind it.
Angry because I cannot change it.
Angry because I have to accept it.
Accept that it will never be the same again. Accept that I have to accept it.
What if I don´t? What if I just don´t fucking accept what life gives me? I don´t agree with life. This was a bad move. Why are you in control anyway? THAT is not acceptable! If life takes something away, at least it has to give back an explanation. Why would one go through pain, if they can´t make sense of it?
Oh, so you are saying, there is no deeper reason? It just happend because circumstances didn´t allow it to be as it was before? I have to accept it and all I get is, because of “circumstances”??
Amazing. Life, really. Great job in giving humans what they need.
I can only laugh about it.
Except it´s not funny.
And you know that. This is one of the most painful things a human can go through, and all the information you give……
is nothing.
Only our crazy minds that try to form their own meaning.
Is that what you want? You want each one of us to have our own little stupid meanings, even though they are not even true?
Because who says they are true? No one!
And as long they are not the actual truth, why bother thinking about a fucking meaning anyway??
And voila, we´re come back to the beginning, dear Life.
That. it. hurts. Because there is no meaning to it. Nothing but ideas to think about for a day or two to make ourselves feel better.
And then it´s back to hurt.
Wait…
is hurt, the meaning?
Are you saying, hurt IS the meaning?
I AM HURT ENOUGH, THANK YOU!!
You don´t get it Life, right?
You leave us bleeding in our own hurt, until there is no strength anymore to hold the pain. We are FORCED to accept it. We don´t do it because we “want to”. No. Who wants something they don´t want?
Right.
You just didn´t think it through, Life. Let me explain it to you one more time…if you hurt, you have to do good. It´s an exchange. You cannot just take something without giving back.
So now let me ask you.. what ARE you giving back? For sure it´s not meaning, otherwise I wouldn´t be writing to you.
What is IT?
And DON´T say it´s “strength” that you are giving.
No? Nothing?
So, I have to figure it out on my own, is that what you are saying?
You know what?
I know why you say that. Because there is no ONE answer to that. Right?
Ok, I get it. But then let me ask you this: What is MY answer? Are you willing to give me THAT?
I knew you wouldn´t. You are the calmest existence I´ve ever accountered. Just stillness. Leaving me with nothing but stillness.
I´ll tell you something. If you don´t tell me IN THE NEAR FUTURE what my meaning is to this hurt, I really really, really really….
… really won´t like you anymore.
There you have it. Do something or accept that, Ha!
I´m going to stop now. Because I´m talking to myself anyway.
And I´m going to wish you a GOOD DAY, even though I´m angry at you. And hurt. See, that´s called kindness. And communication. C o m m u n i c a t i o n. Yes, you are allowed to talk to me.
“Talk” soon,
Me.
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