when you feel something …

… that you believe is stupid to feel, because it´s for the weak, for the immature or belongs to the „past you“..

Something you may think you should be „over“ by now and not be triggered anymore..

Well then, sorry to say that, but you are way behind in life.

No of course not.

Well a little bit.

But guess what, as adults we are still bombarded with those needs, wants and desires that are ingrained in us.

Remember when you were a kid? Wanting something right now and only now?

Or as Teenagers, thinking we are right, always and with everything?

These feelings still show up, even if now in a different setting and to a different individual extent.

Part of growing up, is becoming aware of our daily automatisms and ways of reacting that rule our life, if we let it. (So actually growing up is never quite finished, but yea…).

Becoming aware of your way of dealing with feelings, like when you feel frustrated because you have an ongoing pain in your body,
or feeling impatient because you need an answer or explanation for someone´s behaviour, like now.
or feeling lonely, because you have no one to connect to,
or feeling anxious because you are sitting on a pile of debts..

Most people react in a way that tries to make these feelings go away, as quickly as possible.
It´s like we are sitting on ice, waiting for the ice to melt, but all we get is a fucking cold ass.

Until it´s numb.
Well now we keep sitting on the cold without feeling anything anymore.

This happens more often than we think in situations where we are feeling something we don´t wanna feel.
And we start to unpack one of our, over the years, well tried out strategies, that we probably know haven´t worked in the past, but at least we know how they will turn out. (You know, certainty first..).

We either aggressively force the result we want (remember that child you were…I WANT MY BANANA ICE CREAM NOW!!)

Or we pretend and tell ourselves, „heyyyyy..it´s all goood, I can deal with that. I´m a mature, smart, grown up person that knows how to deal with life challenges thrown at my face over and over and over again.. Aaaalll goooood. Really!

Really?

See, these two strategies are either puking it all out or swallowing it down – over and over again (btw, the puke lands on you).

Sometimes we even confuse these two. We say to ourselves, „ok, I´m going take the more compassionate road“. Maybe we have the urge to puk.. ah sorry I mean to defend ourselves, but then we decide to do things the „mature“ way and try to make the impression (for us and others) that we have it all together.

Sorry but even a raccoon munging on the most delicious bug can smell your passiv-aggressiveness.
Yes even the raccoon that lives in the far far away forest in which you are not.

Ok back to my point.

There is a fine line between really sitting with a feeling and thinking you are okey with a feeling.
The one is allowing it to be there, you actually feel that shitty feeling. The other is coating it with a good feeling – so you (seemingly) feel better.

You either go for pain now and pleasure later, or good feeling now and pain later.

This goes for a lot of decisions we make in life. Some have better/or worse consequences than others.
Meditation for example can be a pain in the ass – our mind is just not made for stillness. But we benefit from it more than we think. The biggest one? We get better in managing our never-ending waves of feelings in life aka we stop sitting on cold ice. (yes there is also warm ice, didn´t know?).

So that feeling you don´t wanna feel…because it´s stupid and immature and exhausting and frustrating and all the things you don´t wanna feel..
..yes maybe it is annoying to feel this feeling and yes maybe it is stupid, because you should get the hang of it by now. But you don´t. We are humans. It takes some time to adapt, to change a behaviour or a way of thinking, especially when we are used to do things a certain way for a long time.

Some people are used to get pissed all the time, or to react mad, or feel lonely, basically to feel pain. Do they want to feel that?

Noo!!

Well, do you call that stupid?

Yees!!

But as I said, we people prefer to do things that are known, certain and familiar (thx brain), even if that means having a numb cold ass.

We have to start treating our unwanted feelings like a kid that screams for attention. „Oh hey there sad feeling, what´s going on? What do you want, what do you need?“ Sounds pretty weird…but that uncomfortable feeling is there for a reason. Prooobably some unmet need that requires your attention.

So give it to him or her! No puking, no swallowing, just your attention. Really listening is often the best first step to actually start thinking differently in order to start behaving in a different way, which invites new experiences in our life and in turn creates new feelings that then change us to a completely different person than we were before.

Repetion, repetion, repetion until they become wanted automatisms that rule our life – because now we consciously chosed so.

Seing it that way, this process can actually be fun. With patience and perseverance we can mold ourselves into whoever we want to be.

And if all of that doesn´t work?

Well then, go puke. It can actually be quite freeing sometimes.

but only sometimes.

then go back to molding.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sch(m)erzen only

und bäng er hat begonnen,

das vierte Monat im Jahr.

wieso er mit ein Scherz beginnt,

das ist mir noch nicht klar.

 

vielleicht ist dies zum auflockern,

als Start in diese Zeit.

wo man selten genau weiß,

ob es heiß wird oder schneit.

 

er fängt schon mal nicht schlecht an,

bewölkt bei 17 Grad.

doch am Freitag solls schon regnen,

so bleibts bestimmt nicht fad.

 

und wie war das Jahr bisher?

alle recht zufrieden?

pläne sind schon umgesetzt?

oder doch nur meist vermieden?

 

starten kann man immer,

gerade im April.

denn mit Sonne läuft sich´s besser,

auch wenn man nicht will.

 

und wenns doch mal hart wird,

solch´ Zeiten gibt es immer.

dann greif einfach zur Flasche,

zumindest wirds nicht schlimmer.

 

ja ja ich weiß,

das war natürlich ein Scherz

aber ist auch sehr erlaubt,

wie haben ja nicht mehr März.

 

das Jahr vergeht so schnell,

wie jedes schon davor.

und doch geht’s noch rasanter,

da verlässt mich mein Humor.

 

ich will einmal so leben,

ohne Sorgen was wäre wenn.

probieren und wieder löschen,

nicht nur wenn ich penn.

 

und was wenn ich genau,

dies einfach jetzt riskiere.

tue was mir gefällt,

und alles quer probiere?

 

morgen könnt ich loslegen,

einfach damit starten.

is ja nur aus Spaß,

mehr will ich nicht erwarten.

 

und wenn ihr morgen aufsteht,

denkt dabei an eines,

das ganze Leben ist ein Sch(m)erz,

und auch ganz was feines 😉

by by 20s

It´s weird what a number can do…especially when the first digit changes for good and stays for the next decade. But more than that, it holds a different energy – thus you do feel somewhat different (even though so many keep saying, I don´t feel different at all, it´s just a number blala, yea wait til your 32 or 35, the 30ies will hit you at some point).

“30” holds a different set of expectations, from yourself and society – how to behave, what you should have had accomplished so far, and what you should be aiming to achieve in the next few years (helloo marriage and baby!). But luckily (or not) our generation cares (and worries) about so much more than a wedding and house with garden. We care about travelling – france til japan, by 30 we might think we should have started a start-up already – of course with big success. We care about freedom and work we find meaningful. We don´t need to get settled, have kids and a dog (okey the dog can stay).

Most people who hit 30 nowadays, are by far not interested in those stereotypical things people used to, like back in the days (lets say grandma days). Most women I know can´t even handle the thought of having a child in the near future. Most men (boys) are still…well boys.

Both genders in general just don´t feel like actual adults. As kids everyone above 18 is a grown up for us and we start to create an image of what being an adult is supposed to look like. This picture in our mind is by far more adult-like than we´ll ever feel.

And in the world we live today, it gets harder not wanting to stay young. There is just so much to do and explore. We have a harder time commit, cos we like our freedom to chose, anytime and everytime.

There is nothing wrong with that…except..

…there sort of is.

Living in a multioptional environment challenges us to constantly work on maintaining or developing our identities. So many possibilities to do, look or be in order to feel like the person we want to be in this world. That´s exhausting. It´s exhausting because it creates even more expectations we hold for ourselves, an image of our self that we want to embody. But these expectations are often in conflict with what life is right now, and our inner resistance to those expectations (that´s a whole other chapter by itself..).

Turning 30 (or any turning age for you) can be a “oh so great reminder” of those unmet expectations, which can make us feel like a failure in whatever area you chose to.

Still haven´t found that one relationship you think you should be in by now?

Still working in a job that drains you daily and makes you wonder what the hell am I supposed to do otherwise?

Still not working out and pretending alcohol is healthy because alcohol makes you happy and happy equals healthy?

Still living in a city that stresses you when all you want is smell roses and sleep under the stars? (hey don´t laugh, I´m just trying to include all people here okey).

So yea, it´s this: I still haven´t….I still need to…. But now I´m a little too old for this..or that. Or worse, will it ever happen?

Closing a chapter when in fact you haven´t come to an end in the previous one makes it all harder to move on.

Yes certain things aren´t so simple to do anymore than with 21.

And before I continue, think yourself of a few things you feel like you can´t do anymore or would feel kind of weird, now that you´re much older.

So what did come up? Doing a couple of internhips again? Taking a year off to just explore, try new things and figure life out? Partying 3 days in a row and then being back at work by 9? Going back to school? Not knowing the top 5 news-stories of the week? Tell people you´re still finding yourself? Live life as if there´s no tomorow?

Yes they might partly be true, but to be honest, there are not that many things you can´t do anymore when you´re 30. However by then, we already lived quite a while and this time frame gives us more room for self-judgement and regret on how we spent this time. Thanks comparison syndrome. But that´s smth we have to live our whole life with, better we learn how to manage it properly now than when we´re 40. Because it gets woooooorse.

30 is a beautiful number I think. And however people might see it, it does mark a new chapter in one´s life, even if nothing huge changes „immediately“.

The good thing is, we can use this turning point to help us redirect our mindset in order to make changes we wanted to make for a long time (in our 20s for example?). And as I said in the beginning…if it doesn´t hit you now..it will at some point. The earlier the better. Who wants to realize they haven´t done all the things they wanted to in their 50s??

And it´s not even about accomplishing certain goals or dreams. It´s about doing smth everyday that moves you forward to that thing you want to achieve. In the end it´s about that feeling. That feeling of, I actually went for it. Because then, 10 years from now you will have the best feeling one can have before entering a new chapter: _____________

You can pick your feeling.

Chose how you want to feel til your next chapter begins and aim to feel that way every day.

So, on the one hand, yes, 30 is just another number. On the other however….the youth as we know it, is pretty much over. It´s over. For some people this process can be hard to accept. Ah ok, a name for this phase has been given already? Well then, hello midi-life crisis (not to confuse with midlife).

And for those people who can´t relate to any of that? Well, good for you! It is supposed to feel that way. A cool ride with a lot of bumps in the road.

I always say, the best thing about getting older is that we´re all in this together.

One wrinkle at a time.

Have a good turning year.

what becomes of the brokenhearted…

Years ago, I woke up in the morning and had this song playing in my head…very randomly. I hadn´t heard it in yeears. The thing is, I only had the melody in my head. It makes me go crazy when I have a song stuck in my ear, but I have no lyrics to hold onto to look it up.

So I was mumbling it in my head over and over again hoping some words will pop up from some corner of my brain. Mhm when I nanana mhm this mmmh it the lalala ach shit what is it!!

And then suddenly……broookenheeearted.. I googled and googled and then finally found the title of the song.

And I suddenly remember how I´ve been feeling lately that time.

Like in movies: Sad situation = sad music, people in action = action music. Very simple.

Well, what happened in my movie? Betrayal? Loss of a lover?

Well, no…there was no prince who I was madly in love with and now it´s all over and my heart is broken in thousand pieces.. forever and ever.

Why then did I relate to the lyrics?

Because I FELT like a brokenhearted. whatever that actually really means.

Now years later I see that we all can suffer from some sort of heartbreak.

„Heartbreak is what happens when love is lost“.1

Think about being in love. It doesn´t matter if you have been or not, we all have experienced it in some way or another and it doesn´t always have to be a person, it can be a moment that was so perfect, you forgot everything around you including all of your problems.

We are filled with love in that moment, we are filled with love from that person. And suddenly nothing else matters. Well how was that again?….. All you need is love?

We are brokenhearted, because we know there is more to love, because we have experienced it somehow before and now we´ve lost it, we don´t have it anymore, it´s gone. And even if we haven´t experienced it so far, we can still feel like as if we´ve lost it, because we see it in the world. We see that it´s possible. We can grasp how love can feel like. And knowing that „it“ is somewhere „out there“, but not within us, makes us to brokenhearted.

How does `love´ work anyway? Is loving ourselves not enough? Do we really need it from the outside aswell?

Experiencing love means to be able to receive and give love. If we can´t do that, we feel like something is missing. We don´t feel whole.

Imagine a typical heart split in the middle. Is there anything missing? Is a piece gone? No. It´s all there. Both sides just have to find there way to each other again. But it´s still all in you, as it always was and will.

But often we don´t know how to love. We are too afraid to. Because what happens if you do?

You risk being broken hard (maybe again). And that fucking hurts.

But you know what hurts too? Staying a little broken. All. the. fucking. time.

You receive no love, give no love, at least not really. It´s kind of happening but on a level where you wonder if you are actually able of feeling love. Because deep down you know it is supposed to feel different. When you truly love, you´ll know it.

So what do you chose? Risk getting hurt so much that your heart breaks in two or three? Or keeping a distance, because the image of getting brokenhearted is more painful than never experiencing love at its core at all?

Loving is a courageous act. We all want love, but we are often not willing to pay the price for it. Love is always uncertain. You never know if you will be loved back or in the way you would want to. It´s one of the heardest things to do. And this goes beyond romantic love.

We have to risk standing alone, we have to risk no one liking us. And we have to be okay with that, because in fact… you are not suddenly more alone than you were before. You are still completely the same, – with an experience more: You dared to love.

So aaaactually there is nothing to fear. Take your heart out of the cage and let it play a bit. Yes it will fall, it will get cuts and get hurt and cry, but didn´t we all when we were kids?

After a long day of playing and getting hurt, we all came home exhausted but happy and fulfilled while our mum is gently taking care of our wounds and cuts we got during that day.

We need to create the same safe and loving space for our own hearts when they come home, especially if something is as painful as being broken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1: A beautiful quote from Brené Browns book „Rising Strong“.

schnupfen sucks.

und so does husten.

aber wenn ichs mir aussuchen könnte..

sicher kein never ending schnupfen.

ich mein wie schnell kann sich bitte schleim bilden??

kaum ausgeschnupft kannst da scho wieder a neues tucherl rausholen!

oke wenn wir ehrlich sind greifen wir auch 2 mal zum gleichen. oder 3 mal.

ach in dem einem eckerl geht noch was.

aach, jz is es eh wieder alles halbert trockn.

 

ok.

jz wirds grauslich.

 

neues.

 

 

 

gestern war ich im kino.

hab mir la la land angschaut.

die ersten 15min dachte ich, wow i muss mi gar net schneuzen! super, das kann jz ruhig 1 1/2 std so weiter gehn.

 

sniff.

 

shit.

 

mein rechtes nasenloch füllt sich mehr und mehr.

na gut bissi gehts noch.

 

sniff.

 

ach shit mann!

ok wenn die wieder anfangen laut zu singen schneuz i mi.

 

jetzt..

 

!?

 

wo ist mein…

herst, ich hatte doch noch ein stückerl toilettenpapier in meiner jackentasche?!

moment is over. wurscht. i muss mi von dem nasalen druck befreien..

 

aaaah tut des guat. a wenn no 3/4 drinnen blieb. damit sollte ich durchkommen.

 

sniff.

 

 

 

 

grrrrrrrrrr.

 

ok alle 3 minuten sniffen soll ma a recht sein. glauben halt die leute meine augen tränen genauso wie meine nase.

 

schön schneuzen muss übrigens echt gelernt sein!

wie manche dieses einfache törööö – oder keine ahnung wie man diesen sound buchstabiert – hinbekommn, is für mich nicht nachvollziehbar. Opas können es aus irgendeinen grund besonders gut…

bei mir klingts aufjedenfall so wies tatsächlich von sich geht..

als würdest du mim strohhalm in nem glas voller schleim…

ok sry ich hör schon auf 😀

 

ich finde ja, man sollte ein taschentuch in form eines toilettenpapiers auf den markt bringen. super praktisch und keine raue, rote nase nach 4 mal schneuzen.

 

in diesem sinne,

brav hände waschen.

oder am besten nichts und niemanden berühren.

 

und an alle die es schon erwischt hat:

 

es gibt schlimmeres..

 

zb schnupfen UND husten.

 

 

 

 

To all of those who are looking for a job, but actually have no idea what they want

Yes to all of you.

So what?

We have no idea what position to apply for, so we apply for everything that kind of seems interesting and that kind of seems like something we are capable of doing (ok for half of what I applied for I´m not even qualified enough or don´t have enough work experience, but yea…you know…at least it gives me the feeling that I´ve tried).

I´ve stopped counting how many applications I´ve sent out during the last 2 ½ months, but what I do remember is that I had…3,4….yes 5 job interviews, for like 5 completely different positions. As a writer in ad agency, a customer and employee consultant, a travel agent, marketing and sales assistant for a Japanese credit card company, and a receptionist in a boxing gym… yea. I know.

If you are not clear about what you are looking for, this is what comes out. Well, I do know that…but the thing is…I just don´t know! Yes I do have passions and things I enjoy doing, but let´s be a little realistic here… I also need money at some point very soon! Dancing like a fool in my room is not gonna fill my bank account, unfortunately (although I could advertise it as an event, with food and drinks, and…oh a home disco! I could build a little bar and sell the best mojitos! I´d buy huge speakers and amplifier where the sounds and beats immediately brings you in a state of trance…oh, a trance dance party!!

Okey, I better stop here.

Not that there is anything wrong with this idea (ähem, maybe not wrong, but a little out there..) but how am I going to afford those speakers without any of these colorful little papers?

Very interesting question…

The thing is, we might have studied something, something we´ve even enjoyed, but now as we are sitting in front of our computer screen starring at the blank space of a job searching site, where you need to fill in a specific job title.. we´re a little overwhelmed. What exactly can I actually do with my degree? And the problem here is that, we think we know, but we really don´t.

We don´t know if we gonna like or dislike working in the office of a car leasing company 40 hours a week. We can´t know if we enjoy or disenjoy (I know this word doesn´t exist) picking up the phone every 10 minutes and consulting people about their finances.

We just don´t know…..until we´ve actually done it! And sometimes it seems to happen that you enjoy doing pretty much the same work in one company more than in another. There are so many components to it.

If there is at least something about the job that appeals to you, go ahead and find out for yourself. You might even discover a new working field you´re interested in, or you might find out that direct contact with customers is an absolute important aspect for you to feel fulfilled in your job. Collect everything you can about what you like and dislike and over time you have a pretty good picture about what tasks your job should consist of most of the time. Yes most of the time. No job is great all of the time. We have to keep this in mind. The search of the “perfect job” is creating only this: no job.

I don´t even have to question myself right now. I know that I´m looking for “THE job”. Apparently I´d rather have no job, than some kind of shitty job, because you never know if the “THE job” is just around the corner and if you´re not ready and free to catch it…well you´ve missed it! It´s like a bear waiting for that big fish in the river to swim directly in his paws, while ignoring all the other little fishys that are making their turns just around him and are so easy to catch! Little fishys can be tasty as well!

But no… we want that big fish. It can come any time. Just.keep.focusing.on.your.paws.

But that´s exhausting! Just grab two or three of these fucking little fishys, at least you´re occupied and have a somewhat filled stomach.

Nowadays we act this way in so many other areas in our life as well. Take relationships. “No sorry I like you a lot, but I think there is someone better out there for me”, so we either stay alone or keep splitting up, because the big fish (or shall I say muscular fish? For guys imagine a ladyfish with big lips) is just around the corner.

We are constantly looking for the best, because best is the only thing we accept. Why? Because nowadays we are exposed to so many more possibilities and options that make it so much harder to be satisfied with what we have! We literally see what we could have, and honestly…why would anyone settle for less than what he knows he actually could have?

A never ending vicious circle.

But back to the job dilemma. It´s okey to look out for the big fish, but just stay occupied while doing so. And btw…if you don´t practice catching little fishys you might not even be able to catch the big one when it´s actually passing by…

 

 

Fishiiiies!

are you wasting your time?

No?

Well, let me help you out a bit.

Have you ever written a blog in times when you actually feel uninspired, tired and just not „in the mood“?

Well, there you go. This is mine.

I have only one reason why I´m writing anyway. Hm…actually I don´t have one. Do I need to have one? Do we always need to have a reason why we´re doing things? I guess we don´t need one, but we do have one, if we are aware of it or not. Right now…I´m not aware of it.

Soooo, my head is trying to change direction, thinking about tomorrows to-do´s, and when I should go to bed to get my much needed sleep….I´ve been sleeping quite bad lately, soo….ya.

No good content comes out of a tired, unmotivated mind. But hey I warned you! This is my “not feeling like it”-blog. You cannot expect anything good from it. With good I mean, reading something and not regretting it later for having wasted 5 minutes of your precious time.

Am I really saying here that you are wasting your time? Wow, that was….a very great advice from me. So stop here for a moment, and decide if you want to waste your next few minutes on reading a not feeling in the mood blog, with zero insightful content and probably no helpful advice (except of the one I just mentioned).

 

Ok, decided?

 

Well, then good bye and have better day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still here? Wow you really wanna waste your time…

 

 

 

Well then, if you want to continue I´m not going to stop you (because I could).

 

So then, let´s start with the most wasteful blog entry ever!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Miau.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

Told you so.

 

 

Let´s see if something better is about to come…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nope

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nope

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miau.

 

 

 

 

Haha that was actually funny^^

 

.

.

 

.

.

 

Well, I wanna be nice to you.

I´m gonna stop wasting your time (told you so I can;P)

 

Do something you normally enjoy doing even though you “don´t feel like it” and don´t have a reason.

 

It actually might be for a good reason.

 

 

That being said…..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

…..nothing else to add

 

 

 

 

 

(thank god…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh du liebe phase.

seit genau 2 wochen bin ich nun zurück im schönen ösiland. das ergebnis? von oö nach wien, nach graz, nach wieder wien, nur halbert ausgepackte sachen von denen sich ein drittel in ner hütte, ein drittel bei meiner tante, und ein drittel daheim im haus, oben, ganz oben, im kasten links, unterste schublade der kommode im dachboden, im koffer, im andern koffer, im wäschekorb und sonst wo befinden.

ich hab mich noch nie so geordnet gefühlt!

man blickt auf seinen haufen von sachen und will die eigentlich am liebsten alle schnurstracks zur mülldeponie bringen, eine träne dafür aufopfern und dies endlich hinter sich bringen.

aber nein, ich versuche krampfhaft einen platz für einen rosa pinguin schlüsselanhänger der piepst und leuchtet (!) wenn man ihn drückt, zu finden und meine schon seit jahren nervige muschel- und steinsammlung von keine ahnung mehr welchen orten ich mich erinnern wollte, irgendwo sicher zu verstauen. von meinen 50 nagellacks, von denen nur 4 verwendet werden, gibt es  natürlich auch keinen grund mich zu trennen.

hach wie schön umzüge doch sind.

wenn man wenigstens wüsste wohin.

jep ich bin für unbekannte zeit zwischenstationiert. ohoh!

ach nichts…..hatte nur eben ein deja-vu.

also so wies aussieht hock ich hier mit meinen sieben sachen (wieso sieben eigentlich?) bis sich was ergibt womit sich mein ka-ching! konto wieder auffüllen lässt.

bis es so weit is tu ich so als wär ich frei, ungebunden, und kann tun und lassen was ich will! aber ich bin keine 18 mehr, also ja….tu ich nur so.

 

letztens hab ich so getan als wär ich 10.

einen vollbescheuerten, halbnüchternen sprint hingelegt, bis mein knie (das rechte) wieder mal dagegen steuerte, und ich einfach zu boden klatschte, und schulter, hüfte, knie (das linke) mit blauen flecken und abschürfungen versehte.

nach 2 tagen sah das ganze sogar noch bunter und verzwickter aus. Das freut kind.

aber wollen wir kind jetzt nicht zu viel aufmerksamkeit schenken.

die phasen im leben in denen ein neues kapitel beginnt sind doch eigentlich die aufregendsten. sie sind aufregend weil man nicht weiß was kommt oder wie sich sachen entwickeln werden. es könnte alles kommen. man weiß es nicht. man hat keeeine ahnung wie lang diese situation noch andauern wird.

 

shit.

 

ja unglaublich aufregend diese „phase“.

aber hauptsache ich kann so tun als wär ich frei und ungebunden.

 

naja, so erfüll ich mir wenigstens den wunsch manchmal wieder kind sein zu wollen..

(zur überbrückung dieser aufregenden phase).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

wennst ham kumst

während ich so im bordrestaurant des ICE mit meinem DB (deutsche bahn)- cappuccino vor mich hin träume (der übrigens – wie erwartet-  scheußlich schmeckt, aber was macht man nicht alles um eine 8 stunden fahrt halbwegs interessant zu überbrücken), blicke ich nach draußen und lass mir von den vorbeiziehenden grünwerdenden bäumchen und sträuchern, der goldig herabgehenden sonne und den noch bräunlichgefärbten feldern ein inneres lächeln herbeizaubern.

das klingt zwar nach einer geschichte bei der man sich so einige jährchen zurückversetzt fühlt,  jeder satz über 6 zeilen geht und man nach genau dieser satzmenge drumherumgeschwafel das bedürfnis hat irgendwen zu schlagen … aber irgendwie scheint dieser schöner anblick einem dennoch das herz purzelbäume schlagen zu lassen.

ok ich hör schon auf.

ich bin unterwegs nach wien! da würde wahrscheinlich auch eine nachtfahrt spannend aussehen.

aber nein tut es nicht, hab ich schon oft genug gemacht. man hofft jedes mal aufs neue eine kabine für sich zu haben, um sich ungestört 11 ½ stunden breit machen zu können. (klang das jetzt komisch?).

mittlerweile hoff ich einfach nur auf einen freien sitzplatz GEGENÜBER von mir, damit ich zumindest den großteil meines körpers in die waagrechte positionieren kann.

mittlerweile hoff ich einfach nur auf zeitgenossen die nicht 10 stunden lang schnarchen.

heute buch ich keine nachfahrten mehr.

wisst ihr was ich sonst auch nicht mehr buche? busfahrten. hab ich gemacht. 2 mal. weil ich dumm und arm war (ok arm bin ich immer noch). aber 16 stunden sollten eigentlich nicht erlaubt sein. erstens kannst du auf diesen äußerst sparsamen sitzplätzen zwischen höchstens 3 sitzpositionen wechseln, die du nach 2 stunden schon 10x durchgewechselt hast, zweitens, kannst du ansich – unabhängig von der großzügigkeit der sitzfläche – nach 5 stunden nicht mehr sitzen, drittens wirst du immer wieder von dem schön intensiven plumsklogeruch aufgeweckt, wenn dieser auch  nur für eine sekunde auf und zu gemacht wird, und das bringt uns auch schon zu viertens, du darfst auf KEINEM fall wasser trinken! mehr muss dazu hoffentlich nicht gesagt werden.

also man sieht, busfahrten dürfen vermieden werden. manche wissen um diese qual bescheid. ich zum beispiel. nach dem ersten mal. Ich wusste was auf mich zukommt. aber der  schmerz des anblicks meiner geldtasche überdeckte die erinnerungen meiner letzten fahrt. und so kam es, dass ich ein zweites mal, versteift, ausgetrocknet und benebelt in wien ankam. eigentlich sollten es ja nur 13 stunden sein. ich weiß…..das “nur” klingt irgendwie verstörend. aber bis jetzt hatte ich immer die absolut besten tage zum busfahren ausgewählt. schulanfang und schulende. und da klatsch ma gleich mal 3 stunden drauf. was sind schon 3 stunden, wenn man man bereits 13 ausgehalten hat? das sind die schlimmsten!! der gedanke, dass du eigentlich bereits da sein hättest können, aber jetzt nach jedem meter für 2 minuten stehen bleibst, bevor der bus einen weiteren frustrierenden meter vorwärts bringt, und du dich dabei selber kein bisschen mehr als bein rauf, bein runter bewegen kannst, IST einfach nur  !&§))&%!/xx! oder sagen wirs so….es ist fördernd. äh fordernd. ah pardon, folternd.

wisst ihr was noch folternd ist? so lange auf die neue game of thrones staffel zu warten. und bei mir ists ja nicht einmal ein jahr her…

ich gehör zu diejenigen, die erst nach 5 ½ jahren blut geleckt haben und alle staffeln (als hätten sie eine deadline) wie ein sterbensdurstiger schwamm aufgesaugt haben.

aber die warterei hat nun ein ende gefunden. „tetem tetetetem tetetetem teteteeeemm“ is seit heute wieder in aller ohren.

So, bevor mein titel hier wiedermal komplett vom thema abschweift…hier meine neueste ankündigung!

aber zuvor: falls sich irgendjemand über den komischen wechsel von busfahrt zu serie fragt.. ich darf beruhigen..es liegen wochen dazwischen.

so jetzt:

 

i kum ham!!  also so richtig.

 

neugierig?

in einem jahr bericht ich euch wies weiter geht;)

tetem tetetetem te……

I ate a whole chocolate bar.

Yes I did.

And now?

Well…nothing.

I ate a whole chocolate bar.

 

Should I ask myself, why?

Yea I could.

But if I´m honest, it doesn´t matter.

Anyhow, it´s any other reason than being hungry.

 

Maybe I´m not proud of it.

Maybe it will support weight gain.

Maybe I shouldn´t eat anything anymore today.

Maybe.

 

I could calm my mind, by telling myself, “tomorrow you gonna eat super healthy and you gonna do a really intense work-out”.

I could also freak out my mind, by telling myself, “you are so weak, you will never be able to lose that weight, you are…”, so you go ahead and eat another bar, because…well, you just ate one whole thing. If you are indulging then you might just go for the whole big-cheating-day-thing, turn on your TV and enjoy a date with your third pasta diner, ice cream bowl and for dessert a chocolate bar with crunchy filling.

I could.

Well…what am I going to let my mind decide?

 

I decide to not decide anything.

I just ate a whole chocolate bar. That´s it. I just continue life. Things happen. Sometimes they are good for us, sometimes not so much. But thoughts can be much more poisonous to our body than a whole chocolate bar. So I rather just leave it with what it is.

I ate a whole chocolate bar.